TWO CHICKS, A GUY…AND NO PLACE TO HIDE
Friday, September 26th

When it comes to the fun things in life, my motto has generally always been “the more the merrier”. I work off of the reasonable assumption that if one or two is a good thing, then think how good thirteen must be. Yes, right or wrong, The OAS is almost always in favor of the excess.

Since rarely, if ever, do pretty woman not fall squarely in the fun category, I had absolutely no problem with the fact that my girlfriend Molly invited her long time friend and sorority sister Molly Wise Beaham to ride down with us to the OU-TCU game.

Me and a couple hot chicks on a road trip…It seemed like the type thing that most all guys would be fine with, right? I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

OK, maybe I might have to listen to some chick trash talk… stories about “what a whore this girl was, or what a bitch that girl was”…or maybe I would have to feign interest in “how cute this one ATO was or how big a crush was had on some Beta”. I might even have to endure a little 80’s karaoke hell if they decide they want to vocally reminisce to the likes of Wham, George Michael or Mr. Mister. But I figured I could handle it…even if the trip turns into an 85 mph version of St. Elmo’s Fire, at least I know what waits at the end: Sooner football.

In retrospect, I should have heard the hints that suggested that maybe this was not such a good idea….like when Molly1 told me earlier in the week that Molly2 was thinking about not going because she was “not in very good spirits”. I didn’t realize at the time that “not in very good spirits” is the female code phrase for she currently has the human compassion of Hitler. Clearly, I didn’t get it. “She’ll be fine” I responded. And she was…and then she wasn’t.


THE 5 HOUR ROAD TRIP

“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.”
~William Shakespeare

And speak they did. The journey began much as I predicted. Molly1 & Molly2 started with the year 1983 and covered everything from first loves to last rites. Look, very few people on earth like to talk as much as I do…but I was amazed. I swear my ears were bleeding before we even got out of Kansas. While I admit that some of the stories were entertaining, and others quite enlightening…some were just plain gross and uncalled for.

Some ideas and images are sacred…I would never go to one of their homes and tell one of their kids that there was no Santa, at least not on purpose…so why they felt the need to give me a verbal documentary on the effects child birth has on the female vagina is a mystery. Seriously, why was it necessary to destroy me like that?

I am woman! I am invincible! I gotta pee again!”
~The OAS

We literally had to stop every 30 miles so that one of them could go “we-we” or “potty”. Look girls, just because you call it some cute name doesn’t make it any less irritating to stop.

In revenge and in love, woman is more barbaric than man is
-Friedrich Nietzsche

After listening to these two yammer on and on about all the devious things they did to former boyfriends, I don’t feel quite so bad about some of my past behavior. Let me confirm what some of you guys may have already suspected…women are evil. Any man who doesn’t think a woman will use sex, or lack there of, as a way to incur personal gain, strengthen leverage or exact revenge…is either gay, dating Aunt Bea or an idiot.

“Be to her virtues very kind, be to her faults a little blind”.
~Matthew Prior

The trip was turning out to be a better time that I had anticipated it being…and for some reason I seemed to be on my best behavior. When they needed to stop at a restroom, I did so with a minimal amount of contempt. I tolerated music, opinions and unsolicited advice that I normally would not have. I listened to their endless stories, offered opinion or insight when asked and seldom interrupted either of them. And while it was a struggle at times, I even managed to keep my sarcastic comments and barbs to a bare minimum. Yep, I was being a normal adult and playing well with others. With only 60 miles to go, I figured we were home free…Well, not so much.

I’m not sure I have ever seen a social setting change as dramatically and suddenly as this one did….which is really saying something considering some of the Sybil Hall of Famers I have watched in action. In a matter of seconds, everything I had done the last 4 ½ hours went up in a hormonal inferno. I was so close too, but in the end the temptation to be a smart ass was just too much to resist. I guess I just couldn’t help myself.

It was one little opinion. It didn’t seem to matter that the comment was a generalization. The fact that it was objective, rational and well articulated seemed to matter little either. All I know is that my comment set off an exorcism type reaction from the back seat like few I have ever seen.

I got to admit, I was somewhat impressed by the degree of psycho-ness that was involved in Molly2 performance. Her voice was in an octave so high that it was only audible by canines and maybe a few hump back whales. Her eyes were an impressive mixture of tears and hate….and the way she was shaking was of award winning caliber. Watching her in the rearview mirror was part comical, part terrifying and part surreal.

To be honest, I was a little confused. I don’t think I have ever had someone I was not dating go off on me like that…plus I wasn’t even going to get the satisfaction of breaking up with her…hell, she is married to someone else!

Anyway…my reaction and response was going to be pretty critical in how this played out. Clearly, what the situation called for was for me to say absolutely nothing until she emerged from her enraged trance…at which time I could explain that I was misinterpreted and apologize for upsetting her. Silence would also be beneficial for my relationship as well. I should keep in mind that this is a friend of Molly’s who is clearly a tad bit sensitive about the issue I just verbally walk on. To push the situation further would only put Molly deeper into what is already a very uncomfortable and awkward situation. Yep…It was easy to see what I needed to do…be the bigger person and take the high road.

I said easy to see, not easy to do. Have You Met Me? If you have, you know that the scenario described above had a less than zero chance of happening. There was no way I would be able to just say nothing…especially since this is one of those rare time when I am actually not the one at fault. Besides, it just seemed like to much fun to pass up. Quickly I decided on a strategy that would let me alternate back and forth between laughing at her and pouring salt into the overly sensitive wound I had exposed….

But it turns out; rubbing it in her face was by no means an easy task….this girl is a professional. Since she rarely took a breath or quit screaming at the decibel level equivalent of a storm siren, it was hard to insult her with any kind of rhythm. It also takes the fun out of it for me when they are to wacked out to fully grasp the cleverness of my insults. It might have been the piercing death stare or the fact that Molly1 had sunk her nails about 2” into my right arm, but I was beginning to notice that she was not enjoying the Springer on Wheels episode….at all.

Now Molly2 wants out of the car at the next exit, which I had absolutely no problem with. As she moved into full hyperventilation mode… she began speed dialing her husband over and over like Kelvin Sampson trying to call a recruit (great, now I am going to have to fist fight him when I get back).

Finally I had to pull over…which would make it the 12th stop of the trip, but first without someone having to go “wee-wee”…although Molly may have wet her pants at some point during our “dialog”.

In between Molly2's air gasping requests to be dropped off somewhere, I asked her to calm down. I explained to her that Guthrie did not have an airport, she really didn’t seem a Greyhound Bus type babe, and unless she wanted to spend some extended quality time with the good folks at the upcoming Circle K…hanging with us was her best option

…and then just like that, it was over….like it never happened….In a thirty second span she went from being Linda Blair to talking about what she wore to Beta Barn Dance in 1986.

Feeling lucky, like a surfer who had just survived a shark attack, I didn’t say another word the next 58.6 miles….But eventually most attacked surfers brave the waters again, because surfing is what they do…Sunday, we will all have to drive back to KC…will I keep my mouth shut?......................Surfs Up

Molly2...I hope you are still not mad at me....had a good time, well, for most of the time anyway....thanks for all the good material. :)

Just the Opinion of One Mildly Interested Guy

The Overweight Armchair Sooner