The Overweight Armchair Sooner: OU-TX - Part 1 - The Game Outside the Cotton Bowl

As always, one of the best parts of every OU-TX weekend is getting to see and spend time with friends that day-to-day-life doesn’t always allow time for. The weekend also serves as a reminder of just how fast life is moving. All those kids my friends were raising? Well, they’re not kids anymore.

OU-TX: Where Are They Now

Donnie Little (Texas QB 1978-82) “Hello, Donnie Little.” Surprised that I recognized him as he was leaving the stadium, the former Longhorn QB actually stopped to shake my hand and offer condolences. “As you know, we’ve been on the other side of this kinda score,” he said. “Games like this aren’t indicative of what this rivalry is all about.” My response was to try and not breath on him.

Little, who was the first black QB to play at UT, looked like he could still play today. The Texas Sports Hall of Famer, who lives in Round Rock, was also nice enough to take a picture with me. I’ll let you decide which one of us had been drinking all day.

Forecast: High in the low 70’s, with a high probability of an ass kicking in the afternoon

The game time temperature at kickoff was 71 degrees, which was about three degrees cooler than the beer being served at most of the stands at Fair Park. Ah, warm beer in a wax paper cup … other than cold, it’s my second favorite kind.

Alex, “I’ll take ‘food items’ I can’t pronounce’ for 14 coupons

My choice to forgo a third corndog in favor of some big taco looking thing was a colossal mistake. First of all, I should know better than to try and eat something I can’t pronounce, especially when it’s the size of a deflated Spalding basketball - and oozing enough grease to service a John Deere tractor. But with Kate being in the beer line, this is the kinda thing that happens when I’m left unsupervised.

The main ingredient was a chopped meat of undetermined origin that may or may not have been originally cooked within the last week. But none of that mattered if you made the additional mistake that I did, which was dipping it in the ‘sauce’ that accompanied this thing.

Holy ghost pepper, Batman. I now know what the flame emanating from a blowtorch would taste like if it was liquid. I would’ve dialed 911 and/or sought on-site medical attention – but both of those options would’ve required the ability to speak or see clearly. Once I was able to partially regain my vision, my quest became finding a trash can big enough to hold this thing – and remembering not to rub my eyes in case some of the nuclear waste they called ‘sauce’ had leaked onto my hands. Even though my bad decision cost me 14-coupon and two of my five tastebuds – I feel lucky to have survived the ordeal.

IF YOU’RE A GOOD BOY, WE’LL GET ICE CREAM LATER

For the most part, my behavior was pretty darn good on Saturday. Turns out that the Sooners living down to my low expectations doesn’t bring out the wack-job in me like it does when they fail to live up to the standard of greatness, I so wish for them. Hmm, after typing that, I can’t help but wonder if that is the same mentality my mom has used in order to deal with me all these years so calmly?

The day, however, was not without incident. As Kate and I were exiting Fair Park, some punk in burnt orange asked me if the betting line on the game had been 49. Predictably, I didn’t find as much humor in his question as his three McConaughey wannabe friends.

My response – and I’m paraphrasing - was to call him a name his mom wouldn’t appreciate, followed by equating his short memory to another part of his anatomy, then tying it all together by reminding him that the Longhorns had lost 4 straight to OU prior to today. Despite the fact that I used complete sentences and only slurred a couple of my words, my remark didn’t seem to be appreciated by the four Teasippers. Judging by the fingernails that were buried an inch deep just above my right elbow – it wasn’t a big hit with Kate either.

Then Kate goes all Ron White on me … “I don’t know how many of them it would take to kick your ass, but I know how many of them they were going to use – and the math wasn’t going to work out very well for you,” she said. “And by the way, I’ve already had to endure one ass kicking today – I’d rather not be witness to a second.” Her points were both funny and hard to argue – so I didn’t.