DEAR JOHN LETTER TO LANDRY JONES

(Sorry it's a little long this week...for some reason I had a lot to say!)

“It’s over: Two words…Three vowels…Four consonants…Seven letters.  It can either cut you open to the core, leaving you in ungodly pain…or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off your shoulders”     –Maggi Richard

Dear Landry:

This letter is to inform you that I no longer wish to continue our relationship.  Yes, that’s right…I’m breaking up.  Yes, I realize that we've done this before, but this time it’s different, this time it’s for real. This time, we won't be making-up, nor will there be any begging to get back together.  There won't be any couple’s therapy, or QB camp, nor any extra time spent watching film. I won’t be changing my mind, nor will I be having a change of heart.  The bridge is burnt, the curtain has dropped and the fat lady has sung.  This manic, rollercoaster ride we’ve been on for the last three years has just came to a screeching f-ing halt…in fact…I’m surprised The Purple Wildcat out front of Gaylord Memorial Stadium didn’t tell you. Yes, Landry….this thing between you and me…it’s over. 

I’m sorry that it's come to this, I really am. I haven’t had to break up with an OU quarterback since I left Eric Moore for Justin Fuente back in 1997...but I am just too unhappy to go on like this anymore.  Truth be told, I had secretly wished for you to turn pro after last season so the possibility of something like this wouldn’t exist…but you didn’t. Once I heard the news that you were returning, I'll admit that I was more excited than I was disappointed.  Maybe I thought I'd miss you, or that I'd be unable to replace you with someone I cared about…I don’t know exactly why, but I let myself fall for you again. That was obviously a big mistake. Just like that 39 game home winning streak we use to have...this thing between you and me…it’s over.

I apologize for airing our dirty laundry in print…I would've preferred to just scream obscenities at you anonymously from the stands or maybe call into one of the sports radio talk show as “Bobby from Bixby” and rant about how much you suck like most normal OU fans do…but I'm just too upset, to emotional.  Maybe I just needed you to know how disappointed I am…or maybe I thought a public break up might serve as some sort of exorcism- or maybe the reason I’m writing this letter is that I needed a forum in which to ask you the following question: how is it even f-ing possible for a fifth year senior to play as shitty as you did last Saturday night?  Just like the unbeaten series record we use to have against Baylor….this thing between you and me…it’s over.

I remember when we first met.  It was in Dallas…September of 2009 and we were playing BYU in the season opener.  I was seeing Heisman Trophy winner Sam Bradford at the time.  Sam and I had been together for two years and I thought we were in a really good place; but unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, our relationship would soon become more than he could shoulder.  With Sam lying on the Cowboy Stadium turf, your image was suddenly flashed onto the giant Jumbotron.  The shock of realizing that you were going into the game, combined with the panic of trying to find your helmet gave your eyes a look normally found on a deer…right before it becomes a hood ornament.  You were so young, so naive…nothing more than a baby faced QB from New Mexico with a big arm and a horribly bad 70’s porn mustache. Looking back, I guess you could say the porn ‘stache was a sign….cause Landry you have been screwing us ever since. Landry…just like The Beatles, typewriters, pay phones, soap-on-a-rope and demands for your autograph …this thing between you and me…it’s over.

Look, I know I'm not without fault here.  I realize now that in the beginning I was so enamored with your cannon of an arm, that I was willing to overlook other things…things that would eventually become fatal to our long term relationship.  Your poor footwork, your inability or unwillingness to look off safeties and your dreadful play on the road were all things that I guess I thought would change. I thought you'd grow up.  I assumed that you'd learn from your previous failures.  I held onto the hope that one day the light would come on for you…and when it did, you'd lead us to the Promised Land.  Yo, Landry…I’ve been to Shreveport my man…and it ain’t the Promised Land.  I believed in you, defended you to my friends…but after Saturday night…just like our national title dreams, the disco era, & RJ Washington’s NFL career, this thing between you and me…it’s over.

“Can you ever remember a time when we couldn’t stand to be apart, a time when we enjoyed every single moment that we were together?” - Yep, me neither

Look, don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that we didn’t ever have a good time or a great moment together…cause we did…But even the good times and great moments that you were able to cook up from time to time, too often were accompanied with an unnecessary side order of trauma or drama that was hard to swallow.  For example: In 2010 you threw for 468 yards and 4 TD’s to beat OSU in Stillwater. But it took a liter of Crown Royal that night to help me digest the fact that you also threw 3 INT’s, including one that was returned for a TD that almost cost us the game.  Yes, you won a BCS Bowl game…which is a pretty big deal when you take into consideration that neither of OU’s Heisman Trophy winning QB’s can make that claim.  In fact, not since Nate Hybl gave me Roses in 2003 had a QB done that for me…but again, you even made winning that 2010 Fiesta Bowl harder than it needed to be. That pick 6 you threw just before half allowed an overmatched UConn team to hang around in the game way longer than they should've.  Then in 2011, with our backs against the wall and the Seminole war chant ringing in our ears, you took us the length of the field to win on the road in Tallahassee. It was a great drive and a great win, but it was made necessary in part because of the two INT’s you'd thrown earlier in the game.  

But Landry…I challenge anyone that doesn’t require a dog and a stick to cross a busy street, to find one positive thing about your performance last Saturday night.  The best thing I can come up with is that it might actually of been the most consistent you have been in a game your entire career.  From Star Spangle Banner to ‘Please Drive Home Safely’ you truly sucked. But amongst all the stupid shit you did Saturday night, there is one moment that to me, will forever be your signature Sooner QB moment…and the moment that I knew…just like Milli Vanilli, New Coke, The Berlin Wall and John Travolta’s heterosexual status…this thing between you and me….it’s over.

The score was 3-0 OU…it was third and long…you were deep in your own territory…You dropped back…you had time…you made your reads…and decided nobody was open.  This is where a younger, inexperienced 2010 Landry Jones might've made a game changing mistake...but this was no young, inexperienced Landry…This was 2012 fifth year senior Landry…the four year starter Landry…this Landry has been in this type situation before and learned from it….right Landry? Hello?

…we interrupt this 2012 bone-head Landry Jones moment….in order to flashback to this 2010 Landry Jones bone-head moment…

Surely you know what situation I am talking about…2010, Cotton Bowl, Texas Longhorns, OU winning 28-20, 3rd and long, deep in your own territory. Anything ring a bell yet?   

Ok…you drop back to throw…you have time, but nobody is open so you start to waddle to your right like a fat girl headed to the turkey leg line. I scream NO please don’t, you hold the ball out like its water for a marathon runner, I scream NO again only louder with an obscenity attached, then too nobody’s surprise but yours, you're caught and hit near your own goal line. Remember now?

I scream &%#*, you fumble, I scream &%#* again only louder, and then watch in horror as the five Longhorns who gang tackled you, lunge toward the ball.  Amazingly, it somehow rolls out of bounds. I pound down some Crown and give a nod of thanks to God above and start the process of apologizing to all those around me that deserve one, which is ¾ of section 24. Catastrophe is adverted, your life is spared, we win the game and I go drink with my friend Big Tex. Anything?

I guess the fact that you don’t remember makes sense, because if you had remembered then you might of learned from it. If you had, then maybe you'd have done what you were supposed to do when you found yourself in such an eerily similar situation Saturday night.  What you should have done was throw the ball to Bill and Eileen Wickersham. The Wickersham’s live in Guthrie where they raise two kids, run a small business and attend the First Baptist Church on most Sunday’s. They also happen to sit in seats 6 & 7 on the 16^th row of section 32 during OU home games…section 32 is located on the east side of the stadium…and most importantly, it is at least 30 yards from the nearest KSU defender. 

But you didn’t throw the ball to the nice people from Guthrie did you Landry? Instead, you decide to ‘roll out and try to make something happen.’  There are so many things wrong about this choice that it makes my head hurt.  First of all, you’re not the f-ing Make a Wish Foundation, so quit trying to ‘make something happen’. Making something happen is what redshirt freshman do right before they get benched.  Secondly, you run like you should have a Jerry Lewis hosted telethon named after you.  I could be wrong, but rarely would I think it a good idea for people whose forty yard dash times are recorded with a sun dial, to try and use speed as a way to avoid crisis, but that’s just my opinion. Third and most importantly, is the fact that you've done this kind of thing before and should've known better than to try and do it again.

But clearly you never learn and you’re never going to change because…You waddle to your right like a Kardashian girl chasing a camera…all the while holding the ball like you’re allergic to it.  Before I can even cuss you, you've been sacked. One cue, you fumble…on cue, I spew Crown Royal.  The 14 K-State players surrounding the ball play rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets to score the easiest TD in Wildcats history.  I start dialing American Airlines to cancel the plane tickets I recently bought to Morgantown…just like pet rocks, answering machines, Dick Clark and OU’s top 10 ranking…this thing between you and me….it’s over.

Landry…you and I…we just aren’t a good match.   When it comes to making good decisions at crucial moments, it’s like you turn into Charlie Sheen in a helmet and shoulder pads. Look, I like Charlie Sheen, been known to do an imitation or two of him myself from time to time…but I don’t want a relationship with the guy. Maybe even that would be all right if I were equipped with the proper anger management skills necessary to handle you’re never ending bone head mistakes like an adult….but I’m not.  The bottom line is that after last Saturday night, I don’t trust you anymore.  It was one thing to act like an idiot when you were young and playing on the road…but now as a red-shirt senior you've brought that brain-dead shit into our home…and that…I can’t and won’t tolerate.

Hell, come to think of it, Charlie Sheen would be a better choice at QB than you Landry…at least he is winning.

Landry, just like this Dear John Letter…you and me….it’s over.

Just the Opinion of One Mildly Interested Guy

The Overweight Armchair Sooner