A VISIT FROM BUD WILKINSON

Bud Wilkinson (Bud): “Hello, Bob”
Bob Stoops (Stoops): “Oh My God!”
Bud: (laughing) “No, No…despite what the good people of Oklahoma might have you believe…I’m not God – just Bud Wilkinson”
Stoops: “Well, I’ll be God dam…uh…I mean…wow…I can’t believe it’s you! What, uh… what are you doing here? How are you here? I didn’t know this kind of thing was possible?”
Bud: “What? Of course it is. Come on Bob, haven’t you seen the movie Ghost? Swayze isn’t the only one who gets out for a visit every now and then. We’re allowed a couple visits a year. I hear that we used to be able to come and go as we pleased until about 1977 when Elvis died. Evidently he was coming back so often people were claiming he was still alive. That boy is nothing but a ‘devil in disguise,’ if you ask me.”
Stoops: “That’s funny coach. So, you’re a uh, a ghost? Can anyone else see you?”
Bud:  “Bob, I’ve been dead almost 20 years…of course I’m a ghost….and don’t try and pretend you haven’t seen one before. You have four of them playing tight-end for you.  But to answer your question, no...just like your tight ends, no one can see me but you.”
Stoops: “Another good one. I had no idea you were such a comedian coach. Look coach, uh, I mean, Halloween is still over a month away. Is there another reason you are here today…or uh, did you just want to try out your new stand-up routine on the living.”
Bud: “My, my…aren’t you the touchy one. I guess after watching the way you deal with the media I shouldn’t be surprised. But yes, there is another reason I am here today. I wanted to talk to you about the game this Saturday against Notre Dame. Bob…I need to you win.”
Stoops: “Well, coach…Uh, we are certainly going to go up there and uh, give it our best shot.”
Bud: (sighing) First of all, you really need to work on removing the word uh, from you vocabulary. Secondly, I need more than ‘we’ll give it our best shot’… that’s not good enough. I need you to win damn it. I was going to have this talk with you before the game last year, but I didn’t think it was necessary. I never dreamed that you would let the Irish beat you at home like that last season. Bob, I want you to promise me you will beat Notre Dame!”
Stoops: "Coach, uh, damn...I mean, come on coach you know as well as I do, I can’t promise you that. Uh, I mean, damn it...now you have me all flustered. It’s bad enough that someone who’s been dead since Gary Gibbs was still losing Copper Bowls is standing in my office, but now you want me to guarantee that we will beat Norte Dame this Saturday?”
Bud:  "Bob, I need this win…and so do you for that matter. In fact the entire Sooner Nation needs this win.
Stoops: Look coach, I know the history that we here at Oklahoma when it comes to Notre Dame, so I want to win as bad as you do. I realize that this might have been personal for you while you were alive, but why is this bothering you so bad now?"
Bud: "Oh, Bob…it is so much worse now than it ever was back then. I’m telling you, those Catholics up there, they never let up on me."
Stoops: "Oh, come on coach...its Heaven, how bad could it really be?"
Bud: "Bob, I'm telling you...Heaven can be a real hell.  Especially after what happened when we lost last year."
Stoops:  "I'm scared to ask, but what happened coach?"
Bud: "Frank Leahy is in my Pilates class.  He is always riding me about my 1-5 record and how Notre Dame ended our streak.  So last year I made a bet with him on the game.  If Oklahoma won, he couldn't say another word to me about my record or the streak for all of eternity."
Stoops:  "I'm sorry coach.  I really thought we would win that game last year."
Bud:: "You should be sorry.  Do you know what it's like to have to wear a Leprechaun suit around every day for a month?"
Stoops: (laughing) "No, I'm sorry...I can't say that I do."
Bud: "Well, it sucks Bob."
(Stoops): "Coach, I'm not the one who made the bet.  You are, so don't be mad at me. This is not my fault."
Bud:  "Of course it's not your fault.  Your never wrong are you Bob?  Lord forbid anyone ever question Bob Stoops.  Have you gone for two lately Bob, or is your two point chart still down at McKinley Elementary School?"
Stoops: "Alright coach, I can see this is really personal for you.  This is just my opinion, but you really should try and just let it go." 
Bud: "Let it go?  Did you just say let it go? (Laughing now) I would like to see how well you would deal with it when some blue turf loving, spud eatin' Boise State bozo is calling you 'hook & ladder' to your face for the rest of eternity!"
Stoops:  "No, I guess I wouldn't like that very much." 
Bud:  "Besides, the Notre Dame people are already starting in on you as well." 
Stoops:  "What do you mean, what have I done?"
Bud: "It's more like what you haven't done.  You're already 0-2 against them and they think you have no chance to win on Saturday.  But that's not all they joke about it"
(Stoops): "Really?  What else?"
Bud: "Nick Pietrosante is in my bridge group.  He was the fullback for the Irish in 1957 and later an All-Pro with the Lions.  He asked me not to long ago if your middle initial was a C.  When I told him it wasn't, his response was, "good, cause if it was, he would never be able to get anything monogramed."
Stoops:  "I don't understand?"
Bud: "Neither did I, so I ask him why.  He said, "Because anything you had with BCS on it, you would probably lose."
Stoops:  "Sounds like Heaven is a regular comedy club."
Bud: "I guess you could say, a little slice of  heaven is."
Stoops:  "Look coach, I want to help you out, I really do.  But you know as well as I do that I can't guarantee victory on Saturday."
Bud:  "I know, I know.  I just get so frustrated.  Everywhere I go these days is a reminder of my shortcoming against the Irish.  I was over at JFK's house the other day.  He and Marilyn and Jackie were all out by the pool and..."
(Stoops): "Wait, wait...did you say Marilyn AND Jackie?  They were both there?"
Bud: "Yes, they all live there."
Stoops:  "You're kidding me, right?"
Bud: "Bob...did you forget where I live?  It's called Heaven for a reason.  But keep that under your hat if you don't mind, cause 'heaven only knows.'"
Stoops:  "What?  Heaven only knows what?  Oh...I get it."
Bud: "Anyway...I was over at JFK's and even he was giving me a hard time.  This was after he saw us play WVA...so he wanted to put a little wager on the OU-ND game." 
Stoops:  "You know we changed quarterbacks after that game, right?"
Bud: "That's what I hear.  I didn't get to see the Tulsa game, but I heard that Blaine Belton played really well."
(Stoops): "You mean Blake Bell?"
Bud: "His name isn't Blaine...oh, hell, never mind.  I should've known better than to ask Bob Berry about the kid.  When will I learn!"  (Laughing)
Stoops:  (also laughing) "Coach, all I can do is promise you that we will be focused and that we will play as hard as we can.  I like the way this team is progressing.  I feel like we match up better this year against the Irish than we did last, so I am optimistic we can win the game."
Bud:  "So the best you got for me is that you'll try hard and that you're optimistic?  I was wanting more than that.  After Saturday, the Irish aren't on the schedule for years, so if we don't beat them this year, no telling how long it will be before we get another chance." 
Stoops:  "I know coach, but the only thing I can promise is that we'll give it our best shot.  Any advice?"
Bud: "Yes.  Have the third string and redshirts eat the hotel meals first and make sure they don't get sick before you let your starters eat.  They've been known to try and poison the other team before."
Stoops:  "Seems extreme, but I will keep that in mind coach, anything else?"
(Bud): "Well, I was talking to Pat Summerall the other day"...
(Stoops): "Oh, yes...sorry to hear about Pat.  He played at Arkansas when you were coaching didn't he?"
Bud: "Yes, he played at Arkansas.  He played defensive end, kicker and tight end.  Tight end is a position that lines up next to the tackle and..." 
Stoops:  "Stop it.  I know what a tight end is...funny coach."
Bud:  "Anyway...Yes Summerall was a Razorback.  That's why he lives over in Hog Heaven.  It's just outside the city, not far from here.  Pat thought you should be on the lookout for trick plays and I agree.  That Brian Kelly is going to pull something...I can just feel it."
Stoops:  "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks coach."
Bud: "Might not be a bad idea if you had a little trick or two up your sleeve either.  Which reminds me, whatever happended to the riverboat gambling Big Game Bob that you used to be?"
Stoops:  "When you have talent, you don't need to take risks to win, you should know that."
Bud: "Well, times have changed Bob.  Takes more than talent to win these days...just ask Mack Brown."  Well, I guess that's all I got, I better be getting back.  Big Monday night football party over at Lee Roy Selmon's tonight."
Stoops:  "OK, coach.  Thanks for coming down.  Hey by the way, what is your wager with JFK?"
Bud: "If Oklahoma wins, I get a date with Marilyn and he has to let up on me about Notre Dame."
Stoops: "And if we don't?"
Bud: "I have to go to his house and stand next to the big screen for every Notre Dame game"
Stoops: "Why is that so bad?"
Bud: "Because I have to stand and dress like 'Touchdown Jesus' when I do."
Stoops: "Oh, my.  Lord help you if that happens."
Bud: "Already tried that with the Leprechaun thing.  He told me I was on my own.  Just win Bob.  Just win."

Just the opinion of one mildly interested guy

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

Buddy Putty