DEFEAT, DESPAIR & OFF-SEASON REPAIRS
Season 5, Issue 1 (8/24/2009)

“Just when every ray of hope was gone...I should have known that you would come along…I can’t believe I ever doubted you…my old friend the Blues.” –Steve Earle

January 8th, 2009

Florida Gators 24 Oklahoma Sooners 14

January 9th, 2009

Therapist: “I see your back for your annual January counseling session?”
The Overweight Armchair Sooner (The OAS): “That is not funny. This is serious, I am very depressed.”
Therapist: “Your right, it’s not funny. The fact that you continue to let yourself get so emotionally invested in a game played by mere kids, is not only unhealthy, it is sad.”
The OAS: “Wow, gloves are off early Doc. I was hoping you might be a little more supportive.”
Therapist: “Offering support has not seemed to work with you. You are supposed to be an adult. Instead you are like the Benjamin Buttons of football fans, the older you get the younger you act. Your emotional well being and the physical well being of those around you should not be contingent on things like whether or not a 5’1” 145 lbs., nineteen year old kid can kick a ball through iron posts.”
The OAS: “Stupid kickers.”
Therapist: “And that is another thing…most humans with their priorities in tact would not call these kids names. Why can’t you support your team in a positive manner…making physical threats of violence against a student athlete and/or his mother is a bit excessive don’t you feel?”
The OAS: “But we…”
Therapist: “We? Do you play on the team now? Look, it is one thing to be disappointed when the team you “support” loses…but quite another when it results in a two day hangover, hand written apologies, and a trip to Home Depot.”
The OAS: “I didn’t like that lamp anyway, besides I was so tired of hearing about the ‘perfect’ Tim Tebow. Tebow this, Tebow that, visits orphans, jumps tall buildings, helps old ladies cross the street. Sickening. Did you know he has publicly stated that he is a virgin? What? Are you kidding? Here’s a thought Timmy; why don’t you take a TV time-out from your gig as an African orphanage candy striper…and go get yourself laid? The kids will still be hungry tomorrow. Hell, if it will help your conscious, I will even mail a buck in your name to Sally Struthers so she can fill in for you. What good does it do you to have a Heisman trophy, if you are not going to use it to get laid? Clearly he has to be gay or have some fetish for farm animals”…I’m just sayin’.
Therapist: “….that is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start…other than by saying, you’re a moron. So let me get this straight, any person that has values and morals is a loser and either gay or a goat lover?”
The OAS: “I was thinking more sheep, but OK.”
Therapist: “Well, that gay, goat loving virgin sure kicked your ass last night, didn’t he?”
The OAS: “Am I really paying for this?”
Therapist: It’s time to grow up, Buddy. Nobody thinks it’s funny anymore.
You need a hobby, some other interests, some balance. Spend the off-season growing as a person…then come back and see me.
The OAS: OK Doc, I’ll try. Any thoughts on how I should get started?
Therapist: Yes…by writing me a check for $125.

...Next: Offseason Hobby Hunting with The OAS

Boomer,

Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner

If you would like to e-mail this to someone, click on the envelope link below