SOONERS SURVIVE STORM...FOR NOW

#15 OKLAHOMA 52 TULSA 38

To be frank, it would’ve been unrealistic not to have expected some sort of emotional letdown from the Sooners this past Saturday against Tulsa.  Hell, I was still mentally exhausted from the dramatic win over Tennessee seven days ago, and I didn’t play a down, so I can’t imagine what a short week it must have been for those who did.  Throw in the fact that the game was scheduled to kick-off during brunch with the opponent being in-state, step-brother Tulsa, and one might see where the Sooners might come out a little flat to start the game.   

Turns out that Tulsa didn’t give a rat’s ass about what happened 7 days earlier in Knoxville.  They didn’t care whether the Sooners came into the game flat, focused or fresh from a session with Dr. Phil. Since they didn’t give a shit about going for it on fourth down…in the first quarter……from their own side of the 50…leads me to believe, that the time of day in which the game kicked off, probably wasn’t of real concern to them either. 

No, all that seemed to matter to the Tulsa Hurricanes and their first year head coach Phil Montgomery, was the depths to which they could humiliate Mike Stoops and the Oklahoma Sooners defense.  The answer came in the form of 31 first downs, 603 total yards, 38 points and a game film that will probably give the entire Baylor coaching staff an erection upon viewing.  

 

Watching Tulsa run up over 600 yards total offense will have the Baylor coaches giddy

OBSERVATATIONS FROM THE ARMCHAIR

Just When You Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse

I’m not sure what was more painful: Watching Tulsa QB Dane Evans complete 429 yards worth of slant passes and go routes…or…watching Tulsa fullback Zack Langer, who looks like a cross between Ponch from CHiPs and Dane Zaslaw, waddled his way through the middle of the OU defense for 161 yards. 

So what your saying is….you don’t have a clue?

“We haven’t stretched out well with teams like this and if we stretch out with them then they run the ball on us,” said OU Coach Mike. “We have had trouble matching up and it is frustrating because they stretch us from sideline-to-sideline and they have good skill guys and I thought they did an unbelievable job against us. Tempo bothered us as we could not get our fronts and coverage mixed together. We played a four-man front and getting our guys lined up and getting them doing what we needed them to do was tough, because their speed was faster than they had gone in the past. We were just lethargic and just weren’t sharp all day. We didn’t play on edge and that is puzzling to me. Defensively you should always be on edge and playing with passion and I didn’t see that today." - Mike Stoops

So not only did we get bent over like a three dollar hooker…we didn’t seem to care…and we got no idea how to keep it from happening again….so with that in mind….

“Alex…I’ll try, ‘stats that need a comma’ for $500, please.”

If Tulsa was able to come into Norman and run up over 600 yards of total offense against the OU Defense…what kind of damage will the Baylor offense, which possess twice the talent, a real running back and enough felons for 2 full seasons of NYPD Blue, inflict on the OU defense down in Waco? 

Hello? Hello?

Paging Sooner Kick Returner, Alex Ross.  Paging, Sooner Kick Returner Alex Ross.  Mr. Ross if you would please catch a kick-off and proceed past your own 25 yard line…the offense would appreciate it, thank you.

#6 - for - 6 x 6

Sooner QB - Baker Mayfield had an absolutely amazing day.  He completed 32 of his 38 passes (84%), for 487 yards and 4 touchdowns without a single interceptions.  He also had 95 yard and 2 touchdowns on the ground.  Not since MacGyver made a blender out of old toaster parts has someone continually escaped trouble and then turn nothing into something like Baker Mayfield has done through three games this year.  Mayfield became one of six players in school history to account for six touchdowns in game.  (Landry Jones (twice), Josh Heupel (twice), Quentin Griffin, Sam Bradford and Trevor Knight.)

 

Record setting day for Baker Mayfield

Samaje Perine Time

In case you haven’t noticed….Samaje Perine is a complete stud.  Perine shared reps with Mixon and Brooks this past Saturday, which meant he had fresh legs late in the game.  A fresh Samaje against a tired defense, even with our inept offensive line…is a match-up that will help protect a lead and kill an entire 4^th quarter faster than you can say Pflugerville.

 

The Closer: Samaje Perine

Hold on Loosely, but Don’t Let Go

Hate to see the fumbles by Perine and Mixon. Both times the Sooners were up 21, deep in Tulsa territory and about to deliver what you’d like to think would be the kill shot.  But instead….Tulsa recovers the ball, then proceeds to run 12 slant passes, a fullback waddle, a deep fade, an on-side kick off of Frank Shannon’s shin and a Hail Mary Jump Ball….to cut the Sooner lead to 7 going into the locker room.

Alex, let’s try ‘backup lineman named Alex’ for $400 please.

Offensive lineman Nila Kasitati left the game due to injury and was replaced by redshirt freshman Alex Dalton.  Kasitati was injured on one of the many plays in which his assignment is evidently to whiff his block, then turn around and watch as his man makes the tackle three yards behind the line of scrimmage.  As impressive as Dalton played on Saturday, Kasitati may get all the time he needs in which to heel.

 

Nila Kasitati

The letter of the day is: R

Tulsa wide-out Keyarris Garrett had 14 catches for 189 yards on Saturday.  When OU cornerback Zach Sanchez tried to play press coverage, Keyarris Garrett beat him deep.  When Sanchez gave him a cushion, Keyarris Garrett beat him with slant patterns.  Hell, even if Sanchez had wanted to surrender, Keyarris Garrett would’ve beat him still cause he had all the damn r’s/

Good time for an off week….except this time there’s no game.

It's good to be 3-0

Boomer ~

Just the opinion of one mildly interested guy

Buddy Putty

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

SOONER MAGIC = TENNESSEE FALLINTEARS

OKLAHOMA 31 TENNESSEE 24 (2 OT)

“This team doesn’t have any heart” – The OAS

Okay, so maybe I was a little hasty in my judgement. 

But then again, what else is new? I’m the same guy who alleged that Keith Ford, who has since transferred, was the future at running back.  I predicted Mo Dampeer, who ended up being a better dancer than football player, would be a dominant, All-American defensive lineman…I also don’t view myself as being fat, I’m just a little too short for my weight. 

The Sooners struggled with field position from the word go

The trip had already been amazing, and totally worth the time, effort and cost…and not even an OU loss would change that.  But a victory would be a pretty sweet ending. Turns out the game we witnessed was even sweeter than anyone could’ve imagined.  Thanks to all the Tennessee fans who were so welcoming and accommodating, even after they had their hearts broken.  Nothing but pure class from the Rocky Top Nation.

Let’s look at why the Sooners got down 17 to the Vols, why the Vols couldn’t put the Sooners away, and why OU fans got to witness another edition of Sooner Magic.

Reasons Sooner Magic Would Be Needed

Slow start

For the second straight week the Sooners got off to a slow start offensively. A promising initial drive ended after a second down pass from Baker Mayfield bounced off the hands of Dede Westbrook and was picked off by the Vols.  It would be a while before the Sooners would see the Vols side of the field again.

Field position

The Sooners spent so much time inside their own red-zone that the Tennessee ground crew may have to replace the turf.  24 of the Sooners first 26 plays were from their own territory, with a large portion of those coming from inside their own 20.  I swear it seemed like the Sooners were trying to go uphill. But the reality is, the reason the Sooners couldn’t get out of the shadow of their own goal post was their own doing.

Dropped Balls.  

Shepard, Neal and Westbrook all dropped passes that would’ve either (1) resulted in a first down (2) given the Sooners a more reasonable distance for converting on 3^rd down or (3) allowed our punter the opportunity to kick the ball while standing on grass that wasn’t orange and white checkered.

Special Teams Decisions.  

The Tennessee punter was awesome, but Shepard didn’t help matters when he let a couple punts land and roll deep inside the 20. Alex Ross’ decision to return a kick from 6 yards deep in the end-zone, had the Sooners starting deep.  I know he was probably just trying to make something happen, but not only was the kick deep, it was very high as well…which means better kick coverage.

Penalties. 

Holding calls are absolute killers.  Converting 3^rd and 22 from your own 14 happens about as often as I order a salad at McDonalds...hardly ever and when I do, it’s for someone else.  Holding penalties also put your offensive in a bind when it comes to field position.  The bad decision Ross made to return the kickoff from deep in his own end zone was further compounded by a holding penalty. That being said, the fact that OU only had one delay penalty with that kind of crowd noise was very encouraging.

Offensive Line

I realize that we have two freshman at offensive tackles, but the problem is, they may be the best two lineman we have.  Kasiti is just getting abused, which makes him only slightly better than our center Ty Darlington.  This group needs to get better and soon.  They are the key to being better on the ground, which will give Mayfield a better chance to be effective in the passing game, not to mention a better chance to stay healthy.

Reasons There Was Still a Chance for Sooner Magic

Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones

After Dede Westbrook volleyed a Baker Mayfield pass into the arms of a Vol defensive back on the Sooners first drive of the game, the Tennessee offense drove down inside the Sooner 10 yard line.  Facing 4 and goal at the Sooner half yard line, Butch Jones decided to kick the field goal instead of going for TD.  The OAS was unable to confirm whether or not Butch was able to change his tampon during the ensuing television timeout.     

 

Butch might like to have his decision to kick a field goal on first drive back

OU’s Ability to Put Pressure on Tennessee QB

This was huge reason the Sooners were able to rally back to win the game.  Every time Dobbs dropped back to throw he was under fire.  Because of the pressure he was either (1) inaccurate, 13 of 31 (2) ineffective, only 121 yards passing (3) or unable to hold on to the football. Dobbs fumbled twice, but for an inadvertent whistle, it would’ve been three times. If an over-served guy on the 50^th row could see that Dobbs is always under siege, I’m pretty sure that the Tennessee coaching staff probably picked up on it was well.  Rarely did the Vols throw again on 1^st and 2^nd down, which made them predictable, which meant the Sooners could pin their ears back on third down and send the house.

Josh Dobbs was under pressure all night

Clank & Shank

The Clank.  

On Tennessee’s first play from scrimmage to start the second half, Vols running Jalen Heard breaks one for 31.  On the next play, the Vols use a WR quick-screen for 20 more, setting them up 1^st and 10 and the OU twenty yard line. After a sack by Charles Walker, Vols QB scrambled to the right to avoid pressure and hit TE Alex Ellis in the hands, but Ellis was unable to hold on and make the catch. If he holds on, its probably...ballgame. 

The Shank. Unable to convert on third down, Tennessee was forced to settle for a 48 yard field goal attempt, which went further right than Rush Limbaugh.

Freshman Kicker Austin “Powers”

Yes, the kid had one shanked punt…but overall his punting, most of which came from deep inside OU territory, was the only reason the field position wasn’t even worse than it was for the Sooners. The kid nailed his only field goal attempt, and all his extra points were right down the middle, which, as we all learned last year, shouldn’t be taken for granted.

Another Edition of Sooner Magic

Referee Calls

Sooners didn’t catch many breaks in the way of referee calls early on in the game.  Replay wiped out a couple Sooner catches that would’ve moved the sticks, but the biggest issue came in the third quarter when an inadvertent whistle nullified what would’ve been a fumble return for a touchdown by Steven Parker. 

Tennessee fans might not agree, but a little bit of justice may have been served on the Sooners game tying drive.   The Vols were called for a questionable interference penalty on a ball that looked to be uncatchable.  Instead of facing 3^rd and 14 from the 31, OU was now 1st and 10 from Vols 16...obviously a huge difference.  The refs also missed what looked like an illegal motion penalty on the Sooners late in the game that was pretty big.

Defense

I can’t tell you how proud I was of the defense. Faced with their backs to the wall all night, they came up big, time and time again.  They tackled well for the most part, and the pressure they put on the QB Dobbs, was what helped turn the game around. I’m not ready to say that our defense is good, because I’m not sure we’ve faced a really good QB yet, but it’s safe to say they’re a hell of a lot better than they were a year ago.  OAS Game balls to Walker, Striker, Parker and Bond…Devonte Bond

Baker Mayfield

“What a gutsy QB he’s been in the 4^th quarter and overtime”

– ESPN Commentator, Brad Nessler

Baker missed a couple open receivers early and had two interceptions, but in my opinion, both were because of mistakes made by receivers.  His stats will look pedestrian at best, but the numbers certainly don’t tell the full sorry.

There is just something about this kid.  He has moxie, grit guts and a little brass about him…and I think the team feeds off of that.  His leadership and attitude helped lead the team back.  When the team struggled early in the game, he didn’t force the issue and make a mistake.  Mayfield made plays with his feet all night…scrambling to keep plays alive, with no better example being the touchdown pass he threw to Perine.

On the Sooners first play of overtime, his throw to Shepard over the middle helped get back some of the momentum that the Vols had just inherited with their OT touchdown. Then he made the perfect read on 4^th down from the one in overtime, keeping the ball and walking in to the end zone to tie the game at 24-24, forcing more free football.

 

Gutsy performance from our QB

Tennessee Fans

“There won’t be a third overtime” – The Vols fan sitting next to me

After OU scored first in the second overtime, I made mention to the Vols fan next to me, that if Tennessee forced a third overtime, then by rule, both teams would have to go for two after a touchdown.  Looking around at the crowd, his monotone reply above seemed to reflect what most Vol fans were feeling at that point, and judging from the body language of the Tennessee sideline, maybe the teams as well. Three plays later Zach Sanchez would make his words clairvoyant.  After the game it was hard not to feel for the Vol fans.  I said it was hard....not impossible.

 

Tennessee fans were loud, but Sooner fans made some noise themselves

Sterling Shepard. 

What a stud.  Big time players, come up big, in big moments, of big games. Sterling Shepard did just that.

 

Not sure it gets any better than that!

Heart.

Yes, my assessment that the Sooners didn’t have any heart, was wrong. They played with guts, never gave up and made the big plays in the big moments.  I guess, in hindsight, what I should have said was, “This team has some glaring issues that will one day get them beat.”  - I can only hope that they prove me wrong on that one too.

Just the opinion of one mildly interested guy

Buddy Putty

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

Oklahoma 31 Tennessee 24
Double Overtime

DAY 3 - GAME DAY - KNOXVILLE, TN

Terry woke me from my slumber coma about 8:00 AM. After picking around at what looked like some sort of breakfast items downstairs, it was time to start the process of preparing for a 15 hour day, most of which will be spent without access to a home, motel or vehicle. Believe me, when you have as many vices, superstitions and years spent alive as I do, that can be a much bigger task than you think. 

I’m not a huge fan of cargo shorts, mostly because I generally try to avoid clothing that gives me the appearance of being even more over-fed than I already am…but unless I’m going to hire a Sherpa, or can find a purse that matches my OU flip-flops, then shorts with storage are a necessary evil on game day.  Why?  Because on any given game day, I may or may not need, nor am I limited to, the following:

Flasks of crown (that’s plural…one for each half), cigars, lighter, cutter, wallet, phone, game ticket, lucky bandana, my Patrick Fletcher Bobble Head, the laces from Joe Washington’s silver shoes, cash, a tri-fold game roster, a signed 1st edition of Bootlegger’s Boy and the three blades of grass from I yanked from the Pro-Player Stadium end-zone after the 2001 Orange Bowl game. Okay, maybe I don’t carry around all of that…but your get the idea.

 

CALHOUN'S ON THE RIVER

We all met at…you guessed it….Calhoun’s on the River.  I’d like to give a shout out to Steve and Todd Humble for their effort in securing the best table in the place…thank you gentlemen!  Evidently, they camped out in tents, either that or they never left from the night before…either way….Our table was in the shade, tucked into a corner out of the way of traffic, while perfectly located to see anything and everything.  After several of us followed Styx lead and handed the waiter a $20 bill that was separate and in advance of the tip, our table suddenly became his top priority.

STEVE & TODD HUMBLE

The game day vibe in Knoxville was great.  There is a certain verve that accompanies big games…and the energy for this one was palpable.  In between the feasting of food and mass consumption of alcohol, there was the usual acts and episodes of buffoonery.  Styx inadvertently knocked McKnight’s 40 day old iPhone out of his hand…then they both watched helplessly as the $600 phone bounced once, took a sharp right turn, and then did a reverse, 2 ½ with a twist, into the Tennessee River.  

 

Styx & McKnight - Moments before McKnight's phone did a Greg Louganius into the river 

The Tennessee fans were tremendously friendly and excellent hosts….with many mentioning how much they appreciated the way they were treated the previous year in Norman.  Which is always nice to hear.

Obviously, with the stadium being located on the river, there is some “sail-gating” going on, but to be honest, not as much as I had envisioned.  Fast Eddie and his wife Heidi were part of a large group that spent the day on a luxury yacht, boating up and down the Tennessee River with Captain Stubing, Gopher, Isaac, Julie McCoy and the rest of the Love Boat gang.

The Vol Fans have a very cool tailgating area located just outside the main entrance of Nyland Stadium.  It’s a large tree covered area, adorned with the usual tailgate type stuff….Team Tents, BBQ pits, drunk frat kids, older woman with too much make-up and tablecloth covered card tables…but it had a vibe to it that was different and maybe better than other places I’ve been.  I’ve never gone to an Ole Miss game, but in my head, this is a tiny little version of what I vision The Grove to be like.

Neyland Stadium

Opened in 1921, with a capacity of 3200, the stadium was known as Shields-Watkins Field and cost $42,000 to build. In 1962, it was renamed Neyland Stadium in honor of General Robert Neyland.  Neyland, who was recently deceased, was the former athletic director, head coach and the man credited with making the Vols a national football power.  Neyland coached the team from 1926–1952, with two interruptions for military service.  Today, Neyland Stadium seats 102, 455, which makes it the 2^nd largest stadium in the SEC and sixth largest in the country.

Next Up:  

The Game: Sooner Magic = Tennessee FallinTears

Just the opinion of one mildly interested guy

Buddy Putty

The Overweight Armchair Sooner

McKnight & The OAS

Kick Off: OU vs Tennessee

DAY 2 - FRIDAY - KNOXVILLE, TN

Knoxville, TN

First settled in 1786, Knoxville was the original capital of Tennessee until 1817 when it was moved to Murfreesboro.  Located in Knox County, Knoxville is the third largest city in the state with a population around 180,000. 

During the Civil War, the city was bitterly divided over the secession issue, and was occupied alternately by both Confederate and Union armies.  Following the war, Knoxville grew rapidly as a major wholesaling and manufacturing center. The city's economy stagnated after the 1920s as the manufacturing sector collapsed, the Downtown area declined, and city leaders became entrenched in highly partisan political fights.

Hosting the 1982 World's Fair helped reinvigorate the city, and revitalization initiatives by city leaders and private developers have had major successes in spurring growth in the city, especially the downtown area.

University of Tennessee

Knoxville is also home to the University of Tennessee Volunteers.  Founded in 1794, the university has an undergrad enrollment of just over 21,000. Some of the notable graduates of the University of Tennessee include: author Alex Haley, 1986 Nobel Peace Prize Recipient James Buchanan and former Dallas Cowboy Bill Bates.

DAY 2

Terry and Styx, who evidently get up with Willard Scott every morning, let me sleep until about 9.  We loaded up the rental car, merged into the flow of traffic on I-40 E and arrived in Knoxville two and a half hours and a time change later.

 

TERRY AND THE OAS AT CALHOUN'S

After throwing our bag in the room, we headed down to a place called Calhoun’s On the River www.calhouns.com  I don’t know, maybe people in Knoxville are tired of this place, or they think it sucks, but I thought the place was awesome.  It had a huge deck (careful how you say that) and as the name might suggest, was located on the river, about ¾ of a mile from Neyland Stadium. The place was packed with Sooners by a ratio of about 8-1 the entire weekend.

 

CALHOUN'S ON THE RIVER - W/ NEYLAND STADIUM IN THE BACKGROUND

After spending most the day at Calhoun’s, we decided to take a tour to get the lay of the land. Campus was nice, handsome, but not pretty by any means.  At OU, Styx and I were both members of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity…so when we saw the Delt Tennessee chapter, Styx decided to go in and chat the guys up as to where the best places to go that night.  While I can’t say enough about how friendly and welcoming the Tennessee fan base was, the same can’t be said for the UT Delt Chapter.  The only people that didn’t ignore Styx, were the ones who asked him to leave.

THE UT DELT HOUSE - NOT SO FRIENDLY BROTHERS

After the hour or so tour, we moved up the hill from Calhoun’s for cocktails and dinner at Ruth’s Chris, which also looked out over the river.

RUTH'S CHRIS

About 8:30, we headed down to a place called Market Square.  If I were a member of the chamber of commerce, I would describe Market Square as “an eclectic blend of culinary delights with music, performers, niche shops and gallery walks. Adjacent to the scenic Krutch Park, Market Square is a place for all ages…but since I’m not the chamber…

DON'T LET THE PICTURE FOOL YOU...BRING A WEAPON AND EAR PLUGS

I’d describe Market Square to be…an eclectic blend of weirdo’s, with live music that makes you start losing the will to live, shops with nothing you’d ever buy, and places you’d walk only if you have your own personal security. The only reason you'd bring a child down here is because you needed a public place to exchange them for the ransom.

When Styx went to use one of the port-a-pot’s located in the square, he pulled open the door to find the largest, wide-eyed black man I’ve ever seen staring him down, and then threaten to kill him.  The bar we bellied up in, Preservation Pub, would’ve reminded me of a half-way house…if a half-way house had scarier looking people.  I wanted to leave the minute I saw the 400 lbs. voodoo fortune teller who was slumped against the wall.  Look, it’s not like I’m a bar rookie, as much time as I spend in bars, I should be receiving my mail at one of them, but this place wasn’t for the faint of heart…and that was before the live music started.

 

PLEASE GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE

Of course, Styx is ordering Fireball shots like they’re chick-lets…which would’ve been fine if I could’ve poured them in my ears…because the music was making my ears bleed.  Minutes after Styx picked up on the fact that I’d rather eat a bullet than listen to this shit, he buys me the band's CD and a t-shirt "Funk is Alive"...I just wish I wasn't.

Then he says to me...“Hey, the good news is, when your phone starts playing video’s in the middle of their next set, no one will hear it or care.”

Somebody please ask them to play Free Bird.

DAY 1 - THURSDAY - NASHVILLE / PART 1

"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning"

By noon-thirty on Thursday, Styx, Terry and I found ourselves downtown on 2nd street, which is home to some of Nashville's most legendary venues, like the Ryman and Tootsie's, which is located just across the alley from the Ryman.  Tootsie's is where people like Willie Nelson, Patsy Cline, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings and Roger Miller hung out before, during and after playing across the street at the Ryman.

The Legendary Tootsies

In Nashville, you can find live music being played pretty much any time of day.  At places like Honkey Tonk Central, which has stages on three different floors, the bands start at 10:30 AM. Now whether they're any good or not, that's a different story.

Not so legendary Honkey Tonk Central

Most of the afternoon drinking damage was done at a place called Roberts Western Wear.  They had a great house band that played the more traditional style of country music. Hours of drinking beer now gave way to crown on the rocks, and the first of what would become a bad habit over the next few days: Fireball shots.  

Drinking a fireball shot is like getting sexually violated by a smoldering candy cane while gulping Scope…there’s just nothing right about it.   

Roberts Western Wear

About 5:00, we headed over to 16th avenue so Styx could see Music Row.  As you can see from the guitar photos, blood alcohol levels were far exceeding maturity at this point...and would only get worse.

Styx outside of RCA Studio's on Music Row

But the highlight of the day came that night at a place called the Blue Bird Cafe.

The Blue Bird Cafe, is a small Nashville music cafe that opened in 1982. The club has become famous over the years for what is known as Writer’s Night or Writer’s In the Round.  This is where 4 well-known, accomplished songwriters sit in the center of the room and take turns telling stories and playing the songs/hits that they’ve written over theyears.  What makes it special for those in attendance is the intimacy of the venue. Even if you’re sitting at the worst table in the place, you’ll still be less than 40 feet from the circle of artists. www.bluebirdcafe.com

My sister is friends with Chris Wallin, an extremely talented songwriter who has written numerous top hits for some big named artists like Montgomery Gentry, Kenny Chesney and Trace Adkins.  When Laura saw that Chris was playing In the Round that night at the Bluebird, she called him and he was generous enough to reserve us a front row table. (www.chriswallin.com)

Because of the close proximity and intimacy discussed above, there is a certain patron protocol that is understood and adhered to when attending the Bluebird Café.  I’ve been to the Bluebird numerous times, and Terry’s been twice as many times as I have. But since Styx was a Bluebird virgin…and since all three of us were frat-party, shit-faced, Charlie Sheen drunk…Laura decided it might be a good idea to give us the “Please don’t act like a moron speech.” 

Loosely translated, the moron speech goes something like this:(1) “Remember, conversations are highly frowned upon inside the Bluebird…that means no cracking jokes, no heckling the artist, no laughing at the expense of others…and under no circumstances are you to yell out “Free Bird” if one of the writers is acknowledging request (2) Getting up from our table should be for bathroom emergencies only. It ceases to be an emergency, if on the way to the bathroom, you stop off at the bar for a Fireball shot…And most importantly (3) turn off your cell phones.  If I see you texting, or God forbid, should I hear a peep from your phone, I will f-ing kill you right there on the spot.”

(L to R) Peyton Smith, Buddy Cannon & Chris Wallin (not pictured) Marla Cannon
I am sitting directly behind Peyton, close enough he can probably smell the Fireball

The other writers who joined Chris Wallin, were also big names. There was Buddy Cannon, who currently produces Kenny Chesney and has written several big hits, including “Give it Away” a song George Strait took to #1 in 2006.  There was also Marla Cannon, Buddy’s daughter, whose song credits include the Rodney Atkins hit “Still Cleanin’ this Gun.” But it was a 15 year old kid named Peyton Smith, who was sitting about 24” in front of me, who absolutely stole the show.  This kid is an incredible singer, fabulous guitar player and extremely talented writer.  After watching this kid, Styx and I have pretty much decided that we were probably witnessing the future of country music.

And then it happened....

DAY 1 - THURSDAY - NASHVILLE - PART 2

(L to R) Peyton Smith, Buddy Cannon & Chris Wallin (not pictured) Marla Cannon

I am sitting directly behind Peyton, close enough he can probably smell the Fireball

And then it happened….As young Peyton was sharing the story behind the ballad he was about to play, his story was interrupted by…Mayfield from the shot-gun, he takes the snap, drops back to pass, has pressure, he steps up in the pocket and throws deep over the middle for Westbrook.  Dede Westbrook makes a sensational catch at the 30.  He’s at the 25, 20, 15, 10, touchdown Oklahoma Sooners!

Turns out, if you exit in the middle of an ESPN video that you’re watching on your phone without properly closing that video app, there’s a good chance that video might start playing again without provocation, and when it does, the fact that your ringer is turned off, matters absolutely none. 

To make matters worse, I didn’t instantly react because (A) I was drunk and (B) I was too busy looking around to see who the moron was that didn’t turn off their phone.  When I finally realized the moron was me, it went from bad to worse. 

First, I couldn’t get the phone out of my pocket.  When you’re fat and drunk, sometimes the extent of your dexterity is to mumble obscenities and flail around like a beached whale in an effort to get your hand into your pocket.

After pulling out 86 cents in loose change, 7 receipts and 4 balls a lent, I was finally able to pull the phone out…which was just about the time the video stopped. I guess this was for dramatic effect, because 5 seconds later the video starts all over again.  Since the phone was no longer in my pocket, the volume was no longer muffled, so it sounded like the play-by-play was being done by the lead singer of Poison…Mayfield from the shot-gun, he takes the snap, drops back to pass, has pressure, he steps up in the pocket and throws deep over…

I’m so rattled now that it takes me two tries just get to the pass code screen…and then my first three password attempts got rejected like a salad at Kirstie Alley’s house… the middle for Westbrook.  Dede Westbrook makes a sensational catch at the 30…

Just in case the entire Bluebird café hadn’t noticed, I decided to bring a little more attention to the train wreck by blurting out, “Goddamn it, I can’t shut this fucking thing up.” If I’d somehow found a way to work in a Free Bird request during the episode, I’m pretty sure it would’ve been a moron speech hat-trick.

The whole thing probably took 15-20 seconds, but I’m pretty sure it took at least a year off the end of my life.  The incident had resulted in my being cut off by the waitress, made fun of by one of the songwriters and disowned by my sister...but all in all, nothing I hadn’t dealt with before.

But that was before ground hog day happened…Mayfield from the shot-gun, takes the snap, drops back to pass, has pressure, he steps up in the pocket, and throws deep over the middle for Westbrook.  Dede Westbrook makes a sensational catch at the 30.  He’s at the 25, 20, 15, 10, touchdown Oklahoma Sooners!

This time my Tourette’s kicks in immediately.  In between expletives, I decide the best thing to do is get up and move to the back of the café, destroy my phone and then take my own life and save my sister from a prison sentence.  It was a solid plan, except for the commotion I caused by knocking over my chair and inadvertently elbow the 15 year old country music wonder boy in the back of the head while he’s trying to sing a ballad about his sick grandmother.

Back at the table, Laura is trying to quietly find her keys so she can go get her pistol out of the car, while Styx is staring at the floor and practically turning blue from trying to suppress the tsunami of laughter that is brewing inside him.  I’d go back and sit down, by that would require me to repair my chair and apologize to kid Chesney…the result of which would no doubt send Styx over the edge. Styx never went more than 15 minutes the rest of the weekend without telling someone the story or reminding me about it.  Oh well, it could've been worse...at least I didn't ask the kid to play Free Bird.

Somehow I managed to get through the rest of the In the Round without an ESPN Sports Center Update...but I'm pretty sure my sister will be reminding me of Blue Bird iPhone Video-Gate the rest of whatever life I have left.

$47.67 worth of Krystals burgers, chicks and pups later and we were back at my sisters and ready to shut it down. 

Day 1 was in the books and it was a duzzie...but turns out, we were just getting started.