DAY 1 - THURSDAY - NASHVILLE - PART 2

(L to R) Peyton Smith, Buddy Cannon & Chris Wallin (not pictured) Marla Cannon

I am sitting directly behind Peyton, close enough he can probably smell the Fireball

And then it happened….As young Peyton was sharing the story behind the ballad he was about to play, his story was interrupted by…Mayfield from the shot-gun, he takes the snap, drops back to pass, has pressure, he steps up in the pocket and throws deep over the middle for Westbrook.  Dede Westbrook makes a sensational catch at the 30.  He’s at the 25, 20, 15, 10, touchdown Oklahoma Sooners!

Turns out, if you exit in the middle of an ESPN video that you’re watching on your phone without properly closing that video app, there’s a good chance that video might start playing again without provocation, and when it does, the fact that your ringer is turned off, matters absolutely none. 

To make matters worse, I didn’t instantly react because (A) I was drunk and (B) I was too busy looking around to see who the moron was that didn’t turn off their phone.  When I finally realized the moron was me, it went from bad to worse. 

First, I couldn’t get the phone out of my pocket.  When you’re fat and drunk, sometimes the extent of your dexterity is to mumble obscenities and flail around like a beached whale in an effort to get your hand into your pocket.

After pulling out 86 cents in loose change, 7 receipts and 4 balls a lent, I was finally able to pull the phone out…which was just about the time the video stopped. I guess this was for dramatic effect, because 5 seconds later the video starts all over again.  Since the phone was no longer in my pocket, the volume was no longer muffled, so it sounded like the play-by-play was being done by the lead singer of Poison…Mayfield from the shot-gun, he takes the snap, drops back to pass, has pressure, he steps up in the pocket and throws deep over…

I’m so rattled now that it takes me two tries just get to the pass code screen…and then my first three password attempts got rejected like a salad at Kirstie Alley’s house… the middle for Westbrook.  Dede Westbrook makes a sensational catch at the 30…

Just in case the entire Bluebird café hadn’t noticed, I decided to bring a little more attention to the train wreck by blurting out, “Goddamn it, I can’t shut this fucking thing up.” If I’d somehow found a way to work in a Free Bird request during the episode, I’m pretty sure it would’ve been a moron speech hat-trick.

The whole thing probably took 15-20 seconds, but I’m pretty sure it took at least a year off the end of my life.  The incident had resulted in my being cut off by the waitress, made fun of by one of the songwriters and disowned by my sister...but all in all, nothing I hadn’t dealt with before.

But that was before ground hog day happened…Mayfield from the shot-gun, takes the snap, drops back to pass, has pressure, he steps up in the pocket, and throws deep over the middle for Westbrook.  Dede Westbrook makes a sensational catch at the 30.  He’s at the 25, 20, 15, 10, touchdown Oklahoma Sooners!

This time my Tourette’s kicks in immediately.  In between expletives, I decide the best thing to do is get up and move to the back of the café, destroy my phone and then take my own life and save my sister from a prison sentence.  It was a solid plan, except for the commotion I caused by knocking over my chair and inadvertently elbow the 15 year old country music wonder boy in the back of the head while he’s trying to sing a ballad about his sick grandmother.

Back at the table, Laura is trying to quietly find her keys so she can go get her pistol out of the car, while Styx is staring at the floor and practically turning blue from trying to suppress the tsunami of laughter that is brewing inside him.  I’d go back and sit down, by that would require me to repair my chair and apologize to kid Chesney…the result of which would no doubt send Styx over the edge. Styx never went more than 15 minutes the rest of the weekend without telling someone the story or reminding me about it.  Oh well, it could've been worse...at least I didn't ask the kid to play Free Bird.

Somehow I managed to get through the rest of the In the Round without an ESPN Sports Center Update...but I'm pretty sure my sister will be reminding me of Blue Bird iPhone Video-Gate the rest of whatever life I have left.

$47.67 worth of Krystals burgers, chicks and pups later and we were back at my sisters and ready to shut it down. 

Day 1 was in the books and it was a duzzie...but turns out, we were just getting started.