Week 4
More South Beach Pain for Sooners vs. Canes
Therapist: “Wow, you look like hell. Can I get you something to drink? Water…maybe some coffee? Or should I just get you a glass and some ice and let you make another cocktail from you breath?”
The OAS: “Yeah, sorry about that. I had a pretty rough weekend.”
Therapist: “Man, I guess so. What happened to your arm? Why is it in a sling?”
The OAS: “Oh that….I think I got to close to the TV and one of the OU offensive lineman grabbed me and held me while another lineman leg whipped me. I guess they ran out of people on the opposing team to commit personal fouls against and took it out on me.”
Therapist: “Un Huh…Look, if you want to pay me $150 an hour to lie to me, it’s your meter…just let me remind you however, that when you tried that same strategy in your first marriage it didn’t work out to well for you….I’m just sayin’”
The OAS: “I think I accidently fell off my barstool when that bouncer asked me to leave the bar where I watched the game. Truth is…other than my feelings, I’m not really hurt…I just thought I would use the opportunity to act like I was. Having a hurt shoulder is all the rage in Norman right now. I’m telling people that it’s a sprained AT&T joint in my shoulder….since it is my drinking shoulder, I probably won’t be able to resume text messaging or tequila shots for 2-4 weeks pending the breathalyzer tests.”
Therapist: “Well, I can see that being serious is off to a very slow start…but hey, I don’t need to point that out to you….I mean, who would know more about seriously slow starts these days, than a Sooner fan?”
The OAS: “Why do you have to be that way? I am on suicide watch and need a hug, not abuse. And to think I actually pay for this. Ok…You want serious? How about all the injuries that keep afflicting our top offensive playmakers? When we play Texas in two weeks we might have as many as three NFL first round draft picks standing on the Cotton Bowl sidelines. The only thing that they will be able to help the team score is prescription pain killers.”
Therapist: “Hey, here is an idea…why don’t we focus on you?”
The OAS: "That is my favorite subject."
Therapist: "I know you are really down….and while I still feel there are much more important issues in life, I understand how important OU football is too you. Losing to BYU 14-13 and to Miami 21-20 has to be tough on you. How are you holding up?"
The OAS: "Please don’t say holding"
Therapist: "For God sake, would you please work with me here"
The OAS: "I guess I am feeling a little conflicted. I would say that about 30% of me is angry…and another 30% of me is really disappointed."
Therapist: "OK…Go on…"
The OAS: "Oh, yeah…well, the other 39% of me is pretty much just drunk."
Therapist: "That’s mature…God this must be what is it is like to work with Gary Bussey...and the last part?"
The OAS: "What last part, I’m not following you"
Therapist: "Look, I know you’re from Oklahoma, so I am sensitive to your limited math skills, but we’re still coming up a little short here, are we not?"
The OAS: "Oh…I know, Doc…and therein lye’s the problem and the reason I am here…this just isn’t adding up for me…part of me feels missing or lost. What do you think?"
Therapist: "You really want to know?"
The OAS: "No, I just want to pay you to keep me in the dark."
Therapist: "It’s simple really… I think you are just a typical 2009 Sooner…"
The OAS: "What does that mean?"
Therapist: "Always ONE point short of where you need to be."
The OAS: "Ouch"
Just the Opinion Of One Mildly Interested Guy
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
WEEK 2: OU vs. IDAHO ST.
Norman, Oklahoma
HELP WANTED, ONLY CUPCAKES NEED APPLY
Normally, I hate games like this. It’s your typical early season home game against an over matched Division II opponent. The game is no more than a glorified scrimmage, the results of which are so banal and predictable that after it is over, you wonder what the purpose was. The reason: these early season games are all about the guarantee. The University receives all the financial gains that are normally associated with home game…the Sooners are assured a blow-out win…and Idaho St? Well, Bob, tell them what they’ve won: “like all Division II opponents who appear at Memorial Stadium, the Bengals will receive a generous check, a large dose of humiliation, and a lifetime supply of Johnson’s Turtle Wax.”
Yes, normally I hate these games...but normal got its ass kicked by a bunch of Mormon boy scouts on national television last week…normal is MIA when a tight-end suddenly becomes your starting center and your right tackle keeps jumping off-sides before he even gets a chance to illegally use his hands. Normal was suppose to be a returning Heisman Trophy winning QB throwing to a first team All-American TE…not a red-shirt freshman with a porn-stache watching the play clock expire on the one yard line. Normal is not watching Bob Stoops get out coached on National TV in a bowl type atmosphere by some guy named Bronco…OK, OK…maybe that last one was not a good example…but the point is…nothing is normal in Norman these days. This team needed some confidence…this team needed a cupcake…
…And man did it get one...
The Offense
Grooming issues aside, Landry Jones looked pretty good. He seems to have a presence about him and was seemingly in control of both the team and his own emotions, which is a big thing. He possesses a big arm, but he also showed some touch and accuracy, which was especially impressive considering the conditions. Yes, there were also some mistakes…he tried to throw into double coverage several times …and the pass he tried to make to Clapp in the flats would have been picked off and returned for a touchdown by any other team on the schedule.
Some will also say that it was obvious that Jones was locked in on one receiver (and he was), and that he needs to spread the ball around more (yes and no). Let me put it to you like this: If you are looking for your car keys, and you find them in the first place you look, then you don’t continue to look for them just because there are other places that they conceivably could have been. So yes, maybe he was locked in on Broyles, but as a former QB (albeit on a slightly different level) I can tell you this…if you look up and see an open receiver, you throw it to him…especially if you know he is going to catch it when you do. Smart guys those quarterbacks.
The problem going forward is that teams are certainly going to double cover Broyles…so you would like to know that Jones can go thru his progressions and find some one else if necessary. But who says he didn’t? This situation, in my opinion, could be just as much about the other receivers as it is the QB. Are the other receivers getting open? Will they catch it if he throws it to them? Do they like his mustache?
I don’t understand how OU can have such a drop off in talent at this position. Considering the style of offense the Sooners run, and who has been running it, you would think that top WR’s around the country would flock to Norman. True, the Sooners have been close to landing the top WR recruit in the nation in recent years (see Julio Jones last year), only to be spurned on signing day…but evidently those efforts were an all or nothing attempt to fill the position, because no one on this roster outside of Broyles seems capable of stepping up.
What about the TE? Not much help here since the tight ends had the same number of catches in the game that I did…none. All I read about on message boards is about what great hands Hanna has…great hands for what? Is he the team masseuse, or a TE? If he is the later, get him in the frickin game.
The running game….The Sooners have the ability to trot out not one, but two returning 1000 yard rushers from a year ago…but until the Sooners show or prove they can throw a pass deeper than 15 yards, defenses are going to continue to creep up to contain the run. You can trot out Emmitt Smith or bring back AD, but it won’t matter if the O-line sucks. Speaking of, and I know you have been:
Offensive Line
When the music stopped this week, Eldridge was back at TE, Habern was back starting at center and a true freshman named Tyler Evans was starting at guard. Cory Brandon and his 6 penalties were holding down the bench this week instead of opposing defensive lineman. I agree that changes should have been and needed to be made here…but what I don’t understand is all the position changes. Are you a guard, or a tackle? Are you a tight end or a center? Are you a punter or a place kicker? My unsolicited opinion? Why not pick one position for a player…then the player learns that one position and all that goes with it…then when he goes into a game he knows what to do…which would seemingly increase his chances at producing positive results. Hey, there is a reason I am still undefeated…Call me coaches, I am here for you.
Any chance of this team reaching the goals they set for themselves going into the season is contingent upon whether or not this unit can drastically improve. With reports that Bradford may be back sooner than later (today’s rumor is that family and doctors are advising not playing again) an improved offensive line could still allow the Sooners a chance to be in the hunt for a 4th straight Big 12 Title. Status quo from the big uglies and Sooner fans can start looking into Independence Bowl packages. Judging from the first drive of the game when the Sooners failed to score on 4 straight tries from the one yard line…against the Bengals of Idaho St… a trip to Shreveport, LA may be in the Sooner Nations future. Hey, I hear it is great there in December.
Yes, as expected OU got a W Saturday night…but what else did it accomplish? I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that the Idaho St. Bengals were the worst team the Sooners have ever hosted at Memorial Stadium…so how much do you take from some of the good things we witnessed last Saturday night? There are still a lot of questions surrounding these 2009 Sooners…Will the Sooners start to find some answers starting this week at home against Tulsa or for sure a couple weeks later in Miami? I don’t know, but one thing is certain, the questions won’t be coming from a cupcake, they will come in the form of a Hurricane.
Just One Mildly Interested Guys Opinion
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Buddy Putty
Norman, Oklahoma
HELP WANTED, ONLY CUPCAKES NEED APPLY
Normally, I hate games like this. It’s your typical early season home game against an over matched Division II opponent. The game is no more than a glorified scrimmage, the results of which are so banal and predictable that after it is over, you wonder what the purpose was. The reason: these early season games are all about the guarantee. The University receives all the financial gains that are normally associated with home game…the Sooners are assured a blow-out win…and Idaho St? Well, Bob, tell them what they’ve won: “like all Division II opponents who appear at Memorial Stadium, the Bengals will receive a generous check, a large dose of humiliation, and a lifetime supply of Johnson’s Turtle Wax.”
Yes, normally I hate these games...but normal got its ass kicked by a bunch of Mormon boy scouts on national television last week…normal is MIA when a tight-end suddenly becomes your starting center and your right tackle keeps jumping off-sides before he even gets a chance to illegally use his hands. Normal was suppose to be a returning Heisman Trophy winning QB throwing to a first team All-American TE…not a red-shirt freshman with a porn-stache watching the play clock expire on the one yard line. Normal is not watching Bob Stoops get out coached on National TV in a bowl type atmosphere by some guy named Bronco…OK, OK…maybe that last one was not a good example…but the point is…nothing is normal in Norman these days. This team needed some confidence…this team needed a cupcake…
…And man did it get one...
The Offense
Grooming issues aside, Landry Jones looked pretty good. He seems to have a presence about him and was seemingly in control of both the team and his own emotions, which is a big thing. He possesses a big arm, but he also showed some touch and accuracy, which was especially impressive considering the conditions. Yes, there were also some mistakes…he tried to throw into double coverage several times …and the pass he tried to make to Clapp in the flats would have been picked off and returned for a touchdown by any other team on the schedule.
Some will also say that it was obvious that Jones was locked in on one receiver (and he was), and that he needs to spread the ball around more (yes and no). Let me put it to you like this: If you are looking for your car keys, and you find them in the first place you look, then you don’t continue to look for them just because there are other places that they conceivably could have been. So yes, maybe he was locked in on Broyles, but as a former QB (albeit on a slightly different level) I can tell you this…if you look up and see an open receiver, you throw it to him…especially if you know he is going to catch it when you do. Smart guys those quarterbacks.
The problem going forward is that teams are certainly going to double cover Broyles…so you would like to know that Jones can go thru his progressions and find some one else if necessary. But who says he didn’t? This situation, in my opinion, could be just as much about the other receivers as it is the QB. Are the other receivers getting open? Will they catch it if he throws it to them? Do they like his mustache?
I don’t understand how OU can have such a drop off in talent at this position. Considering the style of offense the Sooners run, and who has been running it, you would think that top WR’s around the country would flock to Norman. True, the Sooners have been close to landing the top WR recruit in the nation in recent years (see Julio Jones last year), only to be spurned on signing day…but evidently those efforts were an all or nothing attempt to fill the position, because no one on this roster outside of Broyles seems capable of stepping up.
What about the TE? Not much help here since the tight ends had the same number of catches in the game that I did…none. All I read about on message boards is about what great hands Hanna has…great hands for what? Is he the team masseuse, or a TE? If he is the later, get him in the frickin game.
The running game….The Sooners have the ability to trot out not one, but two returning 1000 yard rushers from a year ago…but until the Sooners show or prove they can throw a pass deeper than 15 yards, defenses are going to continue to creep up to contain the run. You can trot out Emmitt Smith or bring back AD, but it won’t matter if the O-line sucks. Speaking of, and I know you have been:
Offensive Line
When the music stopped this week, Eldridge was back at TE, Habern was back starting at center and a true freshman named Tyler Evans was starting at guard. Cory Brandon and his 6 penalties were holding down the bench this week instead of opposing defensive lineman. I agree that changes should have been and needed to be made here…but what I don’t understand is all the position changes. Are you a guard, or a tackle? Are you a tight end or a center? Are you a punter or a place kicker? My unsolicited opinion? Why not pick one position for a player…then the player learns that one position and all that goes with it…then when he goes into a game he knows what to do…which would seemingly increase his chances at producing positive results. Hey, there is a reason I am still undefeated…Call me coaches, I am here for you.
Any chance of this team reaching the goals they set for themselves going into the season is contingent upon whether or not this unit can drastically improve. With reports that Bradford may be back sooner than later (today’s rumor is that family and doctors are advising not playing again) an improved offensive line could still allow the Sooners a chance to be in the hunt for a 4th straight Big 12 Title. Status quo from the big uglies and Sooner fans can start looking into Independence Bowl packages. Judging from the first drive of the game when the Sooners failed to score on 4 straight tries from the one yard line…against the Bengals of Idaho St… a trip to Shreveport, LA may be in the Sooner Nations future. Hey, I hear it is great there in December.
Yes, as expected OU got a W Saturday night…but what else did it accomplish? I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that the Idaho St. Bengals were the worst team the Sooners have ever hosted at Memorial Stadium…so how much do you take from some of the good things we witnessed last Saturday night? There are still a lot of questions surrounding these 2009 Sooners…Will the Sooners start to find some answers starting this week at home against Tulsa or for sure a couple weeks later in Miami? I don’t know, but one thing is certain, the questions won’t be coming from a cupcake, they will come in the form of a Hurricane.
Just One Mildly Interested Guys Opinion
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Buddy Putty
Monday, September 14, 2009
GAMEDAY
OU vs. BYU (Dallas, TX)
“Oh, my mamma told me, there’ll be days like this” –Van Morrison
Game Day…Dress for success by The OAS
A new season means new game-day stuff for The OAS. The first item on the off-season shopping list is always the new OU game-day polo by Nike. Yes, I know that I have 30 other Sooner shirts hanging in the closet. And yes, I realize that the 2009 Nike version will differ very little from those I purchased the previous three seasons…but out of respect for the team, I just think it’s important to a least start the season wearing something you haven’t stained with mustard or puked taco bell on yet.
I usually buy my shirts on-line because it is so easy, but I do miss the reaction I use to get from store clerks when I told them I was looking for something ‘drunk casual’ in a XXL.
I am sad to report that my favorite OU visor was unable to recover from the unfortunate and tragic accident that occurred after last January’s Orange Bowl. After an exhaustive off-season search, a suitable replacement was finally found, as was a back up. Saturday I chose to wear the white visor that the store described as the ‘OU Sooners Stoops Coaching Visor’…I must have bought the BCS Bowl version of the OU Sooners Stoops Coaching visor. I am sad to report that my new favorite OU visor was unable to recover from the unfortunate and tragic accident that occurred after Saturday nights BYU game.
My brown leather OU belt coordinated beautifully with my flip-flops, proving once again that The OAS can be both sensible and stylish. The shirt, visor and belt, put me at my fan fashion limit…which is my self imposed rule of never wearing more than three clothing items at a time adorned with OU….You want the fashion look you’re throwing down to say: Look at me, I’m a serious fan…not…Look at me, I just beat up Vanna White and took all her vowels.
The OAS Game-Day Tailgate Report
I love the 6:00 PM kick-off. It just allows the whole day to fall into place.
6:00-6:01 AM: Get up…take a piss… go back to bed. 9:00 AM: Get up…turn on GameDay…go back to bed. 10:00 AM: Breakfast of donuts and bloddy-mary’s…in bed. 11:00 AM: Load enough beer and liquor into the SUV that should there be a wreck…life jackets would make more sense than seat belts Noon: Fill flasks, secure game tickets and start threatening to leave anyone that is not ready to go in exactly one hour….have a beer to calm the nerves 12:30: Call John Payne to see if he is still coming or not…drink a beer to calm the nerves. 12:40: Spend some last chance quality time in the bathroom while wondering if John Payne is going to show up or not. 1:00: Set to pull away, but no one else is ready. Have a beer to calm the nerves. Wonder if John Payne is going to be mad that I left him. 1:30 Finally leave the house to head to the tailgate spot. 1:31 Go back to the house to get whatever it was, that whoever it was forgot. 2:15 Arrive at the parking lot 2:16 hand parking pass to parking lot person (SEE PICTURE ABOVE) 2:17 parking lot person thanks you and smiles…at which time you notice the parking lot person has metal teeth 2:19: Mention to the parking lot person that you think it might be possible for Martha Stewart to make a toaster and half a blender from all the metal in his mouth. 2:20: Invite parking lot person to our tailgate. 2:21: Try not to act like I was kidding when he agrees to join us 2:22: Stare in amazement that John Payne beat me to the spot. 2:23: Apologize to John Payne for not remembering what the plan was. 2:24: Try to get my high dollar, Portable Satellite DirecTv to work 2:40: Normally reliable TV wont get reception…ask parking lot person if he would stand next to the TV and let me use his bicuspid’s as an antenna 2:50: Blow off TV and spend the next hour and a half drinking and discussing the merits of flossing with the parking lot person 4:15: Flock to the air-conditioned oasis of Jerry’s World…4:30 Successfully sneak a flask the size of a football past Barney Fife at the front door of Jerry’s World 5:00 Watch several video’s on incredible 11,500 sq ft., 60 yard long HD Jumbotron. 5:30 Start heading for the seats, which courtesy of David Barnes, are located on the 40 yard line of the club level (Thanks again, David) 5:45 Notice that seats are in the BYU section…wonder to myself if the Mormons have ever experienced hearing the f-word used as a noun, verb and adjective in the same sentence like I am capable of doing during an OU game. 5:50 buy an eight dollar cup of ice. 5:51 Poor large amount of Crown Royal over the $8 cup of ice 5:56 Watch the Sooner Schooner, pulled by Boomer and Sooner, take the field…5:59 Watch the Sooners take the field and smile for the last time all night.
Pony Poop.
Occasionally something will happen in the first few minutes of a football game that sets the tone for how things will go the rest of the night. That something is usually a turnover…a big hit…or someone returning a kick for a touchdown. Saturday night…it was pony poop.
The Sooner Schooner is a Conestoga (a fancy word for covered wagon) reminiscent of the one used by pioneers who settled the Oklahoma Territory around the time of the 1889 Land Run. The wagon, first introduced at OU in 1964, is driven by a member of the Ruf/Nek spirit squad and powered by matching white ponies named Boomer and Sooner. Are you with me so far?
Anyway, one of the traditional duties of the Schooner is to lead the team onto the field before every game….which is why the Schooner was positioned on the field near the south end-zone shortly before kickoff last Saturday night.
One of the traditional duties of a pony is to take very large dumps…which is why there was a mammoth crap positioned on the 2 yard line near the south end-zone shortly before kickoff last Saturday night.
Typical Okies, right? Invite us to a party at your brand new $1.3 billion home and what do we do? We bring along a couple of midget, albino ponies and laugh as one of them drops a 4 pound steamer on your new carpet. Hey, shit happens, right? Problem is, shit continued to happed all night…and I promise you, no one in the Sooner Nation thought it was very funny.
The Game
“Oh, the last one hurt like hell, knocked the wind right out of my sails, I’ll be alright in time, but it’s gonna leave a beauty of a scar.” --Radney Foster
Unbelievable. I don’t know whether it was the fact that: it was the opening game of the season, or that we looked so unprepared, or that our Heisman Trophy winning QB was knocked out of the game, or that the Morman’s seemed unaffected by my cussing, or that I ran out of crown in the 4th quarter…but yes, this one hurt like hell.
I spent way more time than I should of last week trying to write something about this game in the blog…something funny, or insightful or uplifting….but I had a big bag of nothing to show for it.
I have decided that there is not much need to re-live the low-lights, you know what happened and how the game ended up. I think with this game, it is best to just put it behind us....at least until my therapist returns my phone call.
Just the Opinion of one extremely disappointed Sooner fan
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Buddy Putty
OU vs. BYU (Dallas, TX)
“Oh, my mamma told me, there’ll be days like this” –Van Morrison
Game Day…Dress for success by The OAS
A new season means new game-day stuff for The OAS. The first item on the off-season shopping list is always the new OU game-day polo by Nike. Yes, I know that I have 30 other Sooner shirts hanging in the closet. And yes, I realize that the 2009 Nike version will differ very little from those I purchased the previous three seasons…but out of respect for the team, I just think it’s important to a least start the season wearing something you haven’t stained with mustard or puked taco bell on yet.
I usually buy my shirts on-line because it is so easy, but I do miss the reaction I use to get from store clerks when I told them I was looking for something ‘drunk casual’ in a XXL.
I am sad to report that my favorite OU visor was unable to recover from the unfortunate and tragic accident that occurred after last January’s Orange Bowl. After an exhaustive off-season search, a suitable replacement was finally found, as was a back up. Saturday I chose to wear the white visor that the store described as the ‘OU Sooners Stoops Coaching Visor’…I must have bought the BCS Bowl version of the OU Sooners Stoops Coaching visor. I am sad to report that my new favorite OU visor was unable to recover from the unfortunate and tragic accident that occurred after Saturday nights BYU game.
My brown leather OU belt coordinated beautifully with my flip-flops, proving once again that The OAS can be both sensible and stylish. The shirt, visor and belt, put me at my fan fashion limit…which is my self imposed rule of never wearing more than three clothing items at a time adorned with OU….You want the fashion look you’re throwing down to say: Look at me, I’m a serious fan…not…Look at me, I just beat up Vanna White and took all her vowels.
The OAS Game-Day Tailgate Report
I love the 6:00 PM kick-off. It just allows the whole day to fall into place.
6:00-6:01 AM: Get up…take a piss… go back to bed. 9:00 AM: Get up…turn on GameDay…go back to bed. 10:00 AM: Breakfast of donuts and bloddy-mary’s…in bed. 11:00 AM: Load enough beer and liquor into the SUV that should there be a wreck…life jackets would make more sense than seat belts Noon: Fill flasks, secure game tickets and start threatening to leave anyone that is not ready to go in exactly one hour….have a beer to calm the nerves 12:30: Call John Payne to see if he is still coming or not…drink a beer to calm the nerves. 12:40: Spend some last chance quality time in the bathroom while wondering if John Payne is going to show up or not. 1:00: Set to pull away, but no one else is ready. Have a beer to calm the nerves. Wonder if John Payne is going to be mad that I left him. 1:30 Finally leave the house to head to the tailgate spot. 1:31 Go back to the house to get whatever it was, that whoever it was forgot. 2:15 Arrive at the parking lot 2:16 hand parking pass to parking lot person (SEE PICTURE ABOVE) 2:17 parking lot person thanks you and smiles…at which time you notice the parking lot person has metal teeth 2:19: Mention to the parking lot person that you think it might be possible for Martha Stewart to make a toaster and half a blender from all the metal in his mouth. 2:20: Invite parking lot person to our tailgate. 2:21: Try not to act like I was kidding when he agrees to join us 2:22: Stare in amazement that John Payne beat me to the spot. 2:23: Apologize to John Payne for not remembering what the plan was. 2:24: Try to get my high dollar, Portable Satellite DirecTv to work 2:40: Normally reliable TV wont get reception…ask parking lot person if he would stand next to the TV and let me use his bicuspid’s as an antenna 2:50: Blow off TV and spend the next hour and a half drinking and discussing the merits of flossing with the parking lot person 4:15: Flock to the air-conditioned oasis of Jerry’s World…4:30 Successfully sneak a flask the size of a football past Barney Fife at the front door of Jerry’s World 5:00 Watch several video’s on incredible 11,500 sq ft., 60 yard long HD Jumbotron. 5:30 Start heading for the seats, which courtesy of David Barnes, are located on the 40 yard line of the club level (Thanks again, David) 5:45 Notice that seats are in the BYU section…wonder to myself if the Mormons have ever experienced hearing the f-word used as a noun, verb and adjective in the same sentence like I am capable of doing during an OU game. 5:50 buy an eight dollar cup of ice. 5:51 Poor large amount of Crown Royal over the $8 cup of ice 5:56 Watch the Sooner Schooner, pulled by Boomer and Sooner, take the field…5:59 Watch the Sooners take the field and smile for the last time all night.
Pony Poop.
Occasionally something will happen in the first few minutes of a football game that sets the tone for how things will go the rest of the night. That something is usually a turnover…a big hit…or someone returning a kick for a touchdown. Saturday night…it was pony poop.
The Sooner Schooner is a Conestoga (a fancy word for covered wagon) reminiscent of the one used by pioneers who settled the Oklahoma Territory around the time of the 1889 Land Run. The wagon, first introduced at OU in 1964, is driven by a member of the Ruf/Nek spirit squad and powered by matching white ponies named Boomer and Sooner. Are you with me so far?
Anyway, one of the traditional duties of the Schooner is to lead the team onto the field before every game….which is why the Schooner was positioned on the field near the south end-zone shortly before kickoff last Saturday night.
One of the traditional duties of a pony is to take very large dumps…which is why there was a mammoth crap positioned on the 2 yard line near the south end-zone shortly before kickoff last Saturday night.
Typical Okies, right? Invite us to a party at your brand new $1.3 billion home and what do we do? We bring along a couple of midget, albino ponies and laugh as one of them drops a 4 pound steamer on your new carpet. Hey, shit happens, right? Problem is, shit continued to happed all night…and I promise you, no one in the Sooner Nation thought it was very funny.
The Game
“Oh, the last one hurt like hell, knocked the wind right out of my sails, I’ll be alright in time, but it’s gonna leave a beauty of a scar.” --Radney Foster
Unbelievable. I don’t know whether it was the fact that: it was the opening game of the season, or that we looked so unprepared, or that our Heisman Trophy winning QB was knocked out of the game, or that the Morman’s seemed unaffected by my cussing, or that I ran out of crown in the 4th quarter…but yes, this one hurt like hell.
I spent way more time than I should of last week trying to write something about this game in the blog…something funny, or insightful or uplifting….but I had a big bag of nothing to show for it.
I have decided that there is not much need to re-live the low-lights, you know what happened and how the game ended up. I think with this game, it is best to just put it behind us....at least until my therapist returns my phone call.
Just the Opinion of one extremely disappointed Sooner fan
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Buddy Putty
Thursday, August 27, 2009
CRIMSON AND CREAM VIEW OF THINGS
Season 5, Issue 2
“It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled…Ooh, let me get it back, let me get it back, let me get it back, baby, where I come from…It’s been a long time, been a long time, been a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time…yes it has.” –Led Zeppelin
I would like to think that we all have something in our lives that moves us; an endeavor that we are fervent about. For me that something is Oklahoma Sooners football…but before I talk about why…let me point out why just a few others are not.
Thanks, but no thanks…
Reality TV. No thank you. My own life is a reality television series with more unexpected twists, turns and drama than any producer could possible conjure up…and I don’t have to even TiVo ahead to skip the commercials. Plus…I was very disappointed when I decided to watch an episode of ‘Wife Swap’. Let’s just say that it had a completely different premise than I was hoping.
Outdoor Adventure. Hiking? I really don’t see this happening. The fact that I have actually considered driving as an option when going to get the newspaper at the end of the driveway…leads me to believe that walking uphill while carrying a bunch of shit on my back is not going to ‘fan my emotional flames’. Besides, hiking usually leads to camping. I don’t think so here either. My idea of roughing it is a black and white TV at a Holiday Inn…so sleeping without central heat or air, crapping from a crouch over a log or cooking over a fire without my non-stick cookware…doesn't sound like my idea of a good time.
I thought about fishing…The sport has some positive qualities. There is no exercise involved and you can drink while you do it…but in the name of full disclosure, I have to be honest about something: Fish creep me out. Fish are all cold and slimy and have those dark, ugly, spooky eyes. The bottom line is that the only time I will touch a fish is when it is lying next to a baked potato...so unless Bill Dance is willing to come along and unhook every perch I catch, I don’t see fishing happening too often for me.
My brother-in-law is a big time, big game hunter. He has offered to take me some place north of Canada too hunt black bear. First of all, I didn’t even know there was a ‘north of Canada’…but that is of secondary concern. Bear? Really? I know Marlon Perkins makes it look easy on Wild Kingdom and all, but hunting bear seems like a lot of pressure. The last time I went hunting I was 9, so I’m thinking maybe I should start out with something a little less ‘Wide World of Sports’…like say…a squirrel or the neighbor’s cat…and not something that is going to eat me if I miss. Besides, my past experience with hunting is that it requires you to get up early, sit out in the cold, and wear camouflage…no, no and no.
Talk about passion and obsessions?...If my brother in law is any indication, then it would seem that hunters are equally as obsessed with their hobby as I am mine…only their obsession includes a loaded firearm. Is that really a good idea for me?
There is just a little something missing…
Like talent…I love to play the guitar, but it seems others are less enthusiastic when it comes to listening. The common opinion is that I suck. When I recently asked my guitar instructor to rate my progress…he advised me to take a couple weeks off…then quit all together.
Like dedication…For years now I have pledged to learn more conversational Spanish. This years excuse….Swine Flu.
Like children: I noticed that all my friends seem to enjoy being involved with the sports that their children play. Some of my friends coach, some just scream at the coach, but they all mention how much they love it. So, even though I have no children of my own, I decided to call the local youth league and volunteer to help coach a youth league team. Well, as it turns out, some parents find it strange and somewhat disconcerting when a 43 year old single male with no children of his own…shows up wanting to coach young boys. You would have thought I was Michael Jackson or a Catholic Priest with a whistle. I have been called a lot of things before, some of them were probably accurate and even deserved…but I have to draw a line here…sucks too…I bought all these new polyester coaching shorts and didn’t even get to scream at a kid.
To much of a bad thing….
I love to cook…so I have been doing more of that lately. Problem here is that my culinary point of view seems to involve a lot of butter and bacon. Red wine has always been a passion of mine…so I have been trying to slowly rebuild what was once a respectable collection…which is good, because slowly is definitely the way it is going. I continue to keep violating the basic fundamental rule of collecting, which is keeping more wine than you drink.
I have also grown an affinity for good cigars. I joined a Cigar Club and really like going there in the afternoon for a cigar and a cocktail or two. I realize cigar smoking is not the healthiest addition, but hey, what’s one more vice at this point? I can hear my make-believe therapist now: “What…over-weight and drunk wasn’t enough, so you decided to add shortness of breath to the mix?” Bitch
Moderation: to lessen the intensity or extremeness of….
This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a big fan of moderation. Hate it actually. To me moderation is like a colonoscopy…a big giant pain in the ass that unfortunately becomes more and more necessary with age.
Yesterday, I orchestrated a make-believe Freud session to poke a little fun at myself. I am a passionate person. I know I am a little over the top at times. I am either all in or could absolutely care less. A bit manic I realize, but it is what it is. That passion has been both friend and foe to me in life….opening many doors of opportunity…slamming shut some others. Not much moderation going on here.
When you are emotionally all in, you open yourself up for disappointment, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Taking risk is what makes the reward so sweet.
So as a passionate fan who was all in…watching the Sooners come up short against Florida was a disappointment, a little depressing. But would you rather be a Baylor fan and not ever worry about disappointment, or have a shot at glory knowing that falling short has its consequences? That one is easy for me....I will buy a new lamp every time.
But for me, the reality is this…I was going to be depressed either way. While a Sooner victory and National Championship would have been wonderful, it would not change the fact that the next day the college football season would still be over.
In my life, OU football cannot be reduced to a mere game… no doubt I am passionate about what happens between the lines, but I am even more passionate about what happens outside of them. Sooner football is where new friends are made and more importantly my oldest friendships are renewed. It is where I get a chance to watch my friends children grow up…while at the same time watching my friends spend the day pretending like they haven’t. Sooner football games have been the backdrop for some of my greatest memories, emotional highs and lows, and the stage for which some of the craziest things in my life have happened. It will no doubt be the stage for which new favorite memories will be born. Sooner football is about life….my life anyway, and to me that is something worth being a little over the top for. I am trying to justify an obsession? Rose colored glasses? No…mine are crimson & cream.
Yes, it’s been a long time since I rock and rolled…time to get it back…its been a lonely, lonely, lonely time…yes it has. Put away your moderation…it time to rock and roll
Just the Opinion of One Mildly Interested Guy
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Season 5, Issue 2
“It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled…Ooh, let me get it back, let me get it back, let me get it back, baby, where I come from…It’s been a long time, been a long time, been a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time…yes it has.” –Led Zeppelin
I would like to think that we all have something in our lives that moves us; an endeavor that we are fervent about. For me that something is Oklahoma Sooners football…but before I talk about why…let me point out why just a few others are not.
Thanks, but no thanks…
Reality TV. No thank you. My own life is a reality television series with more unexpected twists, turns and drama than any producer could possible conjure up…and I don’t have to even TiVo ahead to skip the commercials. Plus…I was very disappointed when I decided to watch an episode of ‘Wife Swap’. Let’s just say that it had a completely different premise than I was hoping.
Outdoor Adventure. Hiking? I really don’t see this happening. The fact that I have actually considered driving as an option when going to get the newspaper at the end of the driveway…leads me to believe that walking uphill while carrying a bunch of shit on my back is not going to ‘fan my emotional flames’. Besides, hiking usually leads to camping. I don’t think so here either. My idea of roughing it is a black and white TV at a Holiday Inn…so sleeping without central heat or air, crapping from a crouch over a log or cooking over a fire without my non-stick cookware…doesn't sound like my idea of a good time.
I thought about fishing…The sport has some positive qualities. There is no exercise involved and you can drink while you do it…but in the name of full disclosure, I have to be honest about something: Fish creep me out. Fish are all cold and slimy and have those dark, ugly, spooky eyes. The bottom line is that the only time I will touch a fish is when it is lying next to a baked potato...so unless Bill Dance is willing to come along and unhook every perch I catch, I don’t see fishing happening too often for me.
My brother-in-law is a big time, big game hunter. He has offered to take me some place north of Canada too hunt black bear. First of all, I didn’t even know there was a ‘north of Canada’…but that is of secondary concern. Bear? Really? I know Marlon Perkins makes it look easy on Wild Kingdom and all, but hunting bear seems like a lot of pressure. The last time I went hunting I was 9, so I’m thinking maybe I should start out with something a little less ‘Wide World of Sports’…like say…a squirrel or the neighbor’s cat…and not something that is going to eat me if I miss. Besides, my past experience with hunting is that it requires you to get up early, sit out in the cold, and wear camouflage…no, no and no.
Talk about passion and obsessions?...If my brother in law is any indication, then it would seem that hunters are equally as obsessed with their hobby as I am mine…only their obsession includes a loaded firearm. Is that really a good idea for me?
There is just a little something missing…
Like talent…I love to play the guitar, but it seems others are less enthusiastic when it comes to listening. The common opinion is that I suck. When I recently asked my guitar instructor to rate my progress…he advised me to take a couple weeks off…then quit all together.
Like dedication…For years now I have pledged to learn more conversational Spanish. This years excuse….Swine Flu.
Like children: I noticed that all my friends seem to enjoy being involved with the sports that their children play. Some of my friends coach, some just scream at the coach, but they all mention how much they love it. So, even though I have no children of my own, I decided to call the local youth league and volunteer to help coach a youth league team. Well, as it turns out, some parents find it strange and somewhat disconcerting when a 43 year old single male with no children of his own…shows up wanting to coach young boys. You would have thought I was Michael Jackson or a Catholic Priest with a whistle. I have been called a lot of things before, some of them were probably accurate and even deserved…but I have to draw a line here…sucks too…I bought all these new polyester coaching shorts and didn’t even get to scream at a kid.
To much of a bad thing….
I love to cook…so I have been doing more of that lately. Problem here is that my culinary point of view seems to involve a lot of butter and bacon. Red wine has always been a passion of mine…so I have been trying to slowly rebuild what was once a respectable collection…which is good, because slowly is definitely the way it is going. I continue to keep violating the basic fundamental rule of collecting, which is keeping more wine than you drink.
I have also grown an affinity for good cigars. I joined a Cigar Club and really like going there in the afternoon for a cigar and a cocktail or two. I realize cigar smoking is not the healthiest addition, but hey, what’s one more vice at this point? I can hear my make-believe therapist now: “What…over-weight and drunk wasn’t enough, so you decided to add shortness of breath to the mix?” Bitch
Moderation: to lessen the intensity or extremeness of….
This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am not a big fan of moderation. Hate it actually. To me moderation is like a colonoscopy…a big giant pain in the ass that unfortunately becomes more and more necessary with age.
Yesterday, I orchestrated a make-believe Freud session to poke a little fun at myself. I am a passionate person. I know I am a little over the top at times. I am either all in or could absolutely care less. A bit manic I realize, but it is what it is. That passion has been both friend and foe to me in life….opening many doors of opportunity…slamming shut some others. Not much moderation going on here.
When you are emotionally all in, you open yourself up for disappointment, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Taking risk is what makes the reward so sweet.
So as a passionate fan who was all in…watching the Sooners come up short against Florida was a disappointment, a little depressing. But would you rather be a Baylor fan and not ever worry about disappointment, or have a shot at glory knowing that falling short has its consequences? That one is easy for me....I will buy a new lamp every time.
But for me, the reality is this…I was going to be depressed either way. While a Sooner victory and National Championship would have been wonderful, it would not change the fact that the next day the college football season would still be over.
In my life, OU football cannot be reduced to a mere game… no doubt I am passionate about what happens between the lines, but I am even more passionate about what happens outside of them. Sooner football is where new friends are made and more importantly my oldest friendships are renewed. It is where I get a chance to watch my friends children grow up…while at the same time watching my friends spend the day pretending like they haven’t. Sooner football games have been the backdrop for some of my greatest memories, emotional highs and lows, and the stage for which some of the craziest things in my life have happened. It will no doubt be the stage for which new favorite memories will be born. Sooner football is about life….my life anyway, and to me that is something worth being a little over the top for. I am trying to justify an obsession? Rose colored glasses? No…mine are crimson & cream.
Yes, it’s been a long time since I rock and rolled…time to get it back…its been a lonely, lonely, lonely time…yes it has. Put away your moderation…it time to rock and roll
Just the Opinion of One Mildly Interested Guy
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
DEFEAT, DESPAIR & OFF-SEASON REPAIRS
Season 5, Issue 1 (8/24/2009)
“Just when every ray of hope was gone...I should have known that you would come along…I can’t believe I ever doubted you…my old friend the Blues.” –Steve Earle
January 8th, 2009
Florida Gators 24 Oklahoma Sooners 14
January 9th, 2009
Therapist: “I see your back for your annual January counseling session?”
The Overweight Armchair Sooner (The OAS): “That is not funny. This is serious, I am very depressed.”
Therapist: “Your right, it’s not funny. The fact that you continue to let yourself get so emotionally invested in a game played by mere kids, is not only unhealthy, it is sad.”
The OAS: “Wow, gloves are off early Doc. I was hoping you might be a little more supportive.”
Therapist: “Offering support has not seemed to work with you. You are supposed to be an adult. Instead you are like the Benjamin Buttons of football fans, the older you get the younger you act. Your emotional well being and the physical well being of those around you should not be contingent on things like whether or not a 5’1” 145 lbs., nineteen year old kid can kick a ball through iron posts.”
The OAS: “Stupid kickers.”
Therapist: “And that is another thing…most humans with their priorities in tact would not call these kids names. Why can’t you support your team in a positive manner…making physical threats of violence against a student athlete and/or his mother is a bit excessive don’t you feel?”
The OAS: “But we…”
Therapist: “We? Do you play on the team now? Look, it is one thing to be disappointed when the team you “support” loses…but quite another when it results in a two day hangover, hand written apologies, and a trip to Home Depot.”
The OAS: “I didn’t like that lamp anyway, besides I was so tired of hearing about the ‘perfect’ Tim Tebow. Tebow this, Tebow that, visits orphans, jumps tall buildings, helps old ladies cross the street. Sickening. Did you know he has publicly stated that he is a virgin? What? Are you kidding? Here’s a thought Timmy; why don’t you take a TV time-out from your gig as an African orphanage candy striper…and go get yourself laid? The kids will still be hungry tomorrow. Hell, if it will help your conscious, I will even mail a buck in your name to Sally Struthers so she can fill in for you. What good does it do you to have a Heisman trophy, if you are not going to use it to get laid? Clearly he has to be gay or have some fetish for farm animals”…I’m just sayin’.
Therapist: “….that is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start…other than by saying, you’re a moron. So let me get this straight, any person that has values and morals is a loser and either gay or a goat lover?”
The OAS: “I was thinking more sheep, but OK.”
Therapist: “Well, that gay, goat loving virgin sure kicked your ass last night, didn’t he?”
The OAS: “Am I really paying for this?”
Therapist: It’s time to grow up, Buddy. Nobody thinks it’s funny anymore.
You need a hobby, some other interests, some balance. Spend the off-season growing as a person…then come back and see me.
The OAS: OK Doc, I’ll try. Any thoughts on how I should get started?
Therapist: Yes…by writing me a check for $125.
...Next: Offseason Hobby Hunting with The OAS
Boomer,
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
If you would like to e-mail this to someone, click on the envelope link below
Season 5, Issue 1 (8/24/2009)
“Just when every ray of hope was gone...I should have known that you would come along…I can’t believe I ever doubted you…my old friend the Blues.” –Steve Earle
January 8th, 2009
Florida Gators 24 Oklahoma Sooners 14
January 9th, 2009
Therapist: “I see your back for your annual January counseling session?”
The Overweight Armchair Sooner (The OAS): “That is not funny. This is serious, I am very depressed.”
Therapist: “Your right, it’s not funny. The fact that you continue to let yourself get so emotionally invested in a game played by mere kids, is not only unhealthy, it is sad.”
The OAS: “Wow, gloves are off early Doc. I was hoping you might be a little more supportive.”
Therapist: “Offering support has not seemed to work with you. You are supposed to be an adult. Instead you are like the Benjamin Buttons of football fans, the older you get the younger you act. Your emotional well being and the physical well being of those around you should not be contingent on things like whether or not a 5’1” 145 lbs., nineteen year old kid can kick a ball through iron posts.”
The OAS: “Stupid kickers.”
Therapist: “And that is another thing…most humans with their priorities in tact would not call these kids names. Why can’t you support your team in a positive manner…making physical threats of violence against a student athlete and/or his mother is a bit excessive don’t you feel?”
The OAS: “But we…”
Therapist: “We? Do you play on the team now? Look, it is one thing to be disappointed when the team you “support” loses…but quite another when it results in a two day hangover, hand written apologies, and a trip to Home Depot.”
The OAS: “I didn’t like that lamp anyway, besides I was so tired of hearing about the ‘perfect’ Tim Tebow. Tebow this, Tebow that, visits orphans, jumps tall buildings, helps old ladies cross the street. Sickening. Did you know he has publicly stated that he is a virgin? What? Are you kidding? Here’s a thought Timmy; why don’t you take a TV time-out from your gig as an African orphanage candy striper…and go get yourself laid? The kids will still be hungry tomorrow. Hell, if it will help your conscious, I will even mail a buck in your name to Sally Struthers so she can fill in for you. What good does it do you to have a Heisman trophy, if you are not going to use it to get laid? Clearly he has to be gay or have some fetish for farm animals”…I’m just sayin’.
Therapist: “….that is wrong on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start…other than by saying, you’re a moron. So let me get this straight, any person that has values and morals is a loser and either gay or a goat lover?”
The OAS: “I was thinking more sheep, but OK.”
Therapist: “Well, that gay, goat loving virgin sure kicked your ass last night, didn’t he?”
The OAS: “Am I really paying for this?”
Therapist: It’s time to grow up, Buddy. Nobody thinks it’s funny anymore.
You need a hobby, some other interests, some balance. Spend the off-season growing as a person…then come back and see me.
The OAS: OK Doc, I’ll try. Any thoughts on how I should get started?
Therapist: Yes…by writing me a check for $125.
...Next: Offseason Hobby Hunting with The OAS
Boomer,
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
If you would like to e-mail this to someone, click on the envelope link below
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
HELLO AGAIN
Season 5, Intro Edition
Welcome to season five of The Overweight Armchair Sooner. For anyone new to The OAS, this is nothing more than a personal blog or journal. Started in 2005 and distributed to all of 20 people, I figured it might last a week…now sites are offering me money to advertise on it. Crazy. Built around my passion (some would argue obsession) for Oklahoma Sooner football, this blog is an attempt to express my emotions and write about two things I love...OU football and me. Cheaper than therapy, this is a place where I can go and try to make myself (and hopefully others) laugh. Where I can rant and rave or maybe just get away from life for a while. Amazingly or sadly, depending on your outlook…my life seems to have no problem providing an endless supply of material from which to work with…and in the rare instance that the actual occurrence wasn’t enough… The OAS is not above a little embellishment.
For those who have been around for a while, thank you. Your support, feedback, criticism and accolades have made this one of the most rewarding and enlightening things I have ever done. Last year, real life got in the way and I stopped making time for this journal. That was a mistake. Making time for what makes us happy is an important part of life…at least for me anyway.
Yes, I am no doubt obsessed with OU football. Is the obsession over the top? Probably. I will poke some fun at that in Issue 1 tomorrow, but explain while I am not ashamed of it in Issue 2 the following day.
Thanks again to all. I look forward to seeing everyone in Dallas for the BYU game...looks like we have a chance to be really good again.
Boomer Sooner
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES
If you received this, then obviously you are on my email list. If you know of anyone that you think might like to receive The OAS, please forward me their email. If you have an alternate email you would rather I use, let me know….and also…in all seriousness…If you do not want to receive updates this year, for whatever the reason, I understand… please let me know, and I will remove you from the list.
I will also be posting a link on Facebook when new updates are ready…I also plan to start circulating a “Fan of the Overweight Armchair Sooner” link on Facebook as well…as soon as I figure out how. If you know of any other way for me to self-promote, I am always open. It’s all about me!
Season 5, Intro Edition
Welcome to season five of The Overweight Armchair Sooner. For anyone new to The OAS, this is nothing more than a personal blog or journal. Started in 2005 and distributed to all of 20 people, I figured it might last a week…now sites are offering me money to advertise on it. Crazy. Built around my passion (some would argue obsession) for Oklahoma Sooner football, this blog is an attempt to express my emotions and write about two things I love...OU football and me. Cheaper than therapy, this is a place where I can go and try to make myself (and hopefully others) laugh. Where I can rant and rave or maybe just get away from life for a while. Amazingly or sadly, depending on your outlook…my life seems to have no problem providing an endless supply of material from which to work with…and in the rare instance that the actual occurrence wasn’t enough… The OAS is not above a little embellishment.
For those who have been around for a while, thank you. Your support, feedback, criticism and accolades have made this one of the most rewarding and enlightening things I have ever done. Last year, real life got in the way and I stopped making time for this journal. That was a mistake. Making time for what makes us happy is an important part of life…at least for me anyway.
Yes, I am no doubt obsessed with OU football. Is the obsession over the top? Probably. I will poke some fun at that in Issue 1 tomorrow, but explain while I am not ashamed of it in Issue 2 the following day.
Thanks again to all. I look forward to seeing everyone in Dallas for the BYU game...looks like we have a chance to be really good again.
Boomer Sooner
Buddy Putty
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES
If you received this, then obviously you are on my email list. If you know of anyone that you think might like to receive The OAS, please forward me their email. If you have an alternate email you would rather I use, let me know….and also…in all seriousness…If you do not want to receive updates this year, for whatever the reason, I understand… please let me know, and I will remove you from the list.
I will also be posting a link on Facebook when new updates are ready…I also plan to start circulating a “Fan of the Overweight Armchair Sooner” link on Facebook as well…as soon as I figure out how. If you know of any other way for me to self-promote, I am always open. It’s all about me!
Monday, November 3, 2008
TWO CHICKS, A GUY…AND NO PLACE TO HIDE
Friday, September 26th
When it comes to the fun things in life, my motto has generally always been “the more the merrier”. I work off of the reasonable assumption that if one or two is a good thing, then think how good thirteen must be. Yes, right or wrong, The OAS is almost always in favor of the excess.
Since rarely, if ever, do pretty woman not fall squarely in the fun category, I had absolutely no problem with the fact that my girlfriend Molly invited her long time friend and sorority sister Molly Wise Beaham to ride down with us to the OU-TCU game.
Me and a couple hot chicks on a road trip…It seemed like the type thing that most all guys would be fine with, right? I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
OK, maybe I might have to listen to some chick trash talk… stories about “what a whore this girl was, or what a bitch that girl was”…or maybe I would have to feign interest in “how cute this one ATO was or how big a crush was had on some Beta”. I might even have to endure a little 80’s karaoke hell if they decide they want to vocally reminisce to the likes of Wham, George Michael or Mr. Mister. But I figured I could handle it…even if the trip turns into an 85 mph version of St. Elmo’s Fire, at least I know what waits at the end: Sooner football.
In retrospect, I should have heard the hints that suggested that maybe this was not such a good idea….like when Molly1 told me earlier in the week that Molly2 was thinking about not going because she was “not in very good spirits”. I didn’t realize at the time that “not in very good spirits” is the female code phrase for she currently has the human compassion of Hitler. Clearly, I didn’t get it. “She’ll be fine” I responded. And she was…and then she wasn’t.
THE 5 HOUR ROAD TRIP
“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.”
~William Shakespeare
And speak they did. The journey began much as I predicted. Molly1 & Molly2 started with the year 1983 and covered everything from first loves to last rites. Look, very few people on earth like to talk as much as I do…but I was amazed. I swear my ears were bleeding before we even got out of Kansas. While I admit that some of the stories were entertaining, and others quite enlightening…some were just plain gross and uncalled for.
Some ideas and images are sacred…I would never go to one of their homes and tell one of their kids that there was no Santa, at least not on purpose…so why they felt the need to give me a verbal documentary on the effects child birth has on the female vagina is a mystery. Seriously, why was it necessary to destroy me like that?
I am woman! I am invincible! I gotta pee again!”
~The OAS
We literally had to stop every 30 miles so that one of them could go “we-we” or “potty”. Look girls, just because you call it some cute name doesn’t make it any less irritating to stop.
In revenge and in love, woman is more barbaric than man is
-Friedrich Nietzsche
After listening to these two yammer on and on about all the devious things they did to former boyfriends, I don’t feel quite so bad about some of my past behavior. Let me confirm what some of you guys may have already suspected…women are evil. Any man who doesn’t think a woman will use sex, or lack there of, as a way to incur personal gain, strengthen leverage or exact revenge…is either gay, dating Aunt Bea or an idiot.
“Be to her virtues very kind, be to her faults a little blind”.
~Matthew Prior
The trip was turning out to be a better time that I had anticipated it being…and for some reason I seemed to be on my best behavior. When they needed to stop at a restroom, I did so with a minimal amount of contempt. I tolerated music, opinions and unsolicited advice that I normally would not have. I listened to their endless stories, offered opinion or insight when asked and seldom interrupted either of them. And while it was a struggle at times, I even managed to keep my sarcastic comments and barbs to a bare minimum. Yep, I was being a normal adult and playing well with others. With only 60 miles to go, I figured we were home free…Well, not so much.
I’m not sure I have ever seen a social setting change as dramatically and suddenly as this one did….which is really saying something considering some of the Sybil Hall of Famers I have watched in action. In a matter of seconds, everything I had done the last 4 ½ hours went up in a hormonal inferno. I was so close too, but in the end the temptation to be a smart ass was just too much to resist. I guess I just couldn’t help myself.
It was one little opinion. It didn’t seem to matter that the comment was a generalization. The fact that it was objective, rational and well articulated seemed to matter little either. All I know is that my comment set off an exorcism type reaction from the back seat like few I have ever seen.
I got to admit, I was somewhat impressed by the degree of psycho-ness that was involved in Molly2 performance. Her voice was in an octave so high that it was only audible by canines and maybe a few hump back whales. Her eyes were an impressive mixture of tears and hate….and the way she was shaking was of award winning caliber. Watching her in the rearview mirror was part comical, part terrifying and part surreal.
To be honest, I was a little confused. I don’t think I have ever had someone I was not dating go off on me like that…plus I wasn’t even going to get the satisfaction of breaking up with her…hell, she is married to someone else!
Anyway…my reaction and response was going to be pretty critical in how this played out. Clearly, what the situation called for was for me to say absolutely nothing until she emerged from her enraged trance…at which time I could explain that I was misinterpreted and apologize for upsetting her. Silence would also be beneficial for my relationship as well. I should keep in mind that this is a friend of Molly’s who is clearly a tad bit sensitive about the issue I just verbally walk on. To push the situation further would only put Molly deeper into what is already a very uncomfortable and awkward situation. Yep…It was easy to see what I needed to do…be the bigger person and take the high road.
I said easy to see, not easy to do. Have You Met Me? If you have, you know that the scenario described above had a less than zero chance of happening. There was no way I would be able to just say nothing…especially since this is one of those rare time when I am actually not the one at fault. Besides, it just seemed like to much fun to pass up. Quickly I decided on a strategy that would let me alternate back and forth between laughing at her and pouring salt into the overly sensitive wound I had exposed….
But it turns out; rubbing it in her face was by no means an easy task….this girl is a professional. Since she rarely took a breath or quit screaming at the decibel level equivalent of a storm siren, it was hard to insult her with any kind of rhythm. It also takes the fun out of it for me when they are to wacked out to fully grasp the cleverness of my insults. It might have been the piercing death stare or the fact that Molly1 had sunk her nails about 2” into my right arm, but I was beginning to notice that she was not enjoying the Springer on Wheels episode….at all.
Now Molly2 wants out of the car at the next exit, which I had absolutely no problem with. As she moved into full hyperventilation mode… she began speed dialing her husband over and over like Kelvin Sampson trying to call a recruit (great, now I am going to have to fist fight him when I get back).
Finally I had to pull over…which would make it the 12th stop of the trip, but first without someone having to go “wee-wee”…although Molly may have wet her pants at some point during our “dialog”.
In between Molly2's air gasping requests to be dropped off somewhere, I asked her to calm down. I explained to her that Guthrie did not have an airport, she really didn’t seem a Greyhound Bus type babe, and unless she wanted to spend some extended quality time with the good folks at the upcoming Circle K…hanging with us was her best option
…and then just like that, it was over….like it never happened….In a thirty second span she went from being Linda Blair to talking about what she wore to Beta Barn Dance in 1986.
Feeling lucky, like a surfer who had just survived a shark attack, I didn’t say another word the next 58.6 miles….But eventually most attacked surfers brave the waters again, because surfing is what they do…Sunday, we will all have to drive back to KC…will I keep my mouth shut?......................Surfs Up
Molly2...I hope you are still not mad at me....had a good time, well, for most of the time anyway....thanks for all the good material. :)
Just the Opinion of One Mildly Interested Guy
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Friday, September 26th
When it comes to the fun things in life, my motto has generally always been “the more the merrier”. I work off of the reasonable assumption that if one or two is a good thing, then think how good thirteen must be. Yes, right or wrong, The OAS is almost always in favor of the excess.
Since rarely, if ever, do pretty woman not fall squarely in the fun category, I had absolutely no problem with the fact that my girlfriend Molly invited her long time friend and sorority sister Molly Wise Beaham to ride down with us to the OU-TCU game.
Me and a couple hot chicks on a road trip…It seemed like the type thing that most all guys would be fine with, right? I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?
OK, maybe I might have to listen to some chick trash talk… stories about “what a whore this girl was, or what a bitch that girl was”…or maybe I would have to feign interest in “how cute this one ATO was or how big a crush was had on some Beta”. I might even have to endure a little 80’s karaoke hell if they decide they want to vocally reminisce to the likes of Wham, George Michael or Mr. Mister. But I figured I could handle it…even if the trip turns into an 85 mph version of St. Elmo’s Fire, at least I know what waits at the end: Sooner football.
In retrospect, I should have heard the hints that suggested that maybe this was not such a good idea….like when Molly1 told me earlier in the week that Molly2 was thinking about not going because she was “not in very good spirits”. I didn’t realize at the time that “not in very good spirits” is the female code phrase for she currently has the human compassion of Hitler. Clearly, I didn’t get it. “She’ll be fine” I responded. And she was…and then she wasn’t.
THE 5 HOUR ROAD TRIP
“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.”
~William Shakespeare
And speak they did. The journey began much as I predicted. Molly1 & Molly2 started with the year 1983 and covered everything from first loves to last rites. Look, very few people on earth like to talk as much as I do…but I was amazed. I swear my ears were bleeding before we even got out of Kansas. While I admit that some of the stories were entertaining, and others quite enlightening…some were just plain gross and uncalled for.
Some ideas and images are sacred…I would never go to one of their homes and tell one of their kids that there was no Santa, at least not on purpose…so why they felt the need to give me a verbal documentary on the effects child birth has on the female vagina is a mystery. Seriously, why was it necessary to destroy me like that?
I am woman! I am invincible! I gotta pee again!”
~The OAS
We literally had to stop every 30 miles so that one of them could go “we-we” or “potty”. Look girls, just because you call it some cute name doesn’t make it any less irritating to stop.
In revenge and in love, woman is more barbaric than man is
-Friedrich Nietzsche
After listening to these two yammer on and on about all the devious things they did to former boyfriends, I don’t feel quite so bad about some of my past behavior. Let me confirm what some of you guys may have already suspected…women are evil. Any man who doesn’t think a woman will use sex, or lack there of, as a way to incur personal gain, strengthen leverage or exact revenge…is either gay, dating Aunt Bea or an idiot.
“Be to her virtues very kind, be to her faults a little blind”.
~Matthew Prior
The trip was turning out to be a better time that I had anticipated it being…and for some reason I seemed to be on my best behavior. When they needed to stop at a restroom, I did so with a minimal amount of contempt. I tolerated music, opinions and unsolicited advice that I normally would not have. I listened to their endless stories, offered opinion or insight when asked and seldom interrupted either of them. And while it was a struggle at times, I even managed to keep my sarcastic comments and barbs to a bare minimum. Yep, I was being a normal adult and playing well with others. With only 60 miles to go, I figured we were home free…Well, not so much.
I’m not sure I have ever seen a social setting change as dramatically and suddenly as this one did….which is really saying something considering some of the Sybil Hall of Famers I have watched in action. In a matter of seconds, everything I had done the last 4 ½ hours went up in a hormonal inferno. I was so close too, but in the end the temptation to be a smart ass was just too much to resist. I guess I just couldn’t help myself.
It was one little opinion. It didn’t seem to matter that the comment was a generalization. The fact that it was objective, rational and well articulated seemed to matter little either. All I know is that my comment set off an exorcism type reaction from the back seat like few I have ever seen.
I got to admit, I was somewhat impressed by the degree of psycho-ness that was involved in Molly2 performance. Her voice was in an octave so high that it was only audible by canines and maybe a few hump back whales. Her eyes were an impressive mixture of tears and hate….and the way she was shaking was of award winning caliber. Watching her in the rearview mirror was part comical, part terrifying and part surreal.
To be honest, I was a little confused. I don’t think I have ever had someone I was not dating go off on me like that…plus I wasn’t even going to get the satisfaction of breaking up with her…hell, she is married to someone else!
Anyway…my reaction and response was going to be pretty critical in how this played out. Clearly, what the situation called for was for me to say absolutely nothing until she emerged from her enraged trance…at which time I could explain that I was misinterpreted and apologize for upsetting her. Silence would also be beneficial for my relationship as well. I should keep in mind that this is a friend of Molly’s who is clearly a tad bit sensitive about the issue I just verbally walk on. To push the situation further would only put Molly deeper into what is already a very uncomfortable and awkward situation. Yep…It was easy to see what I needed to do…be the bigger person and take the high road.
I said easy to see, not easy to do. Have You Met Me? If you have, you know that the scenario described above had a less than zero chance of happening. There was no way I would be able to just say nothing…especially since this is one of those rare time when I am actually not the one at fault. Besides, it just seemed like to much fun to pass up. Quickly I decided on a strategy that would let me alternate back and forth between laughing at her and pouring salt into the overly sensitive wound I had exposed….
But it turns out; rubbing it in her face was by no means an easy task….this girl is a professional. Since she rarely took a breath or quit screaming at the decibel level equivalent of a storm siren, it was hard to insult her with any kind of rhythm. It also takes the fun out of it for me when they are to wacked out to fully grasp the cleverness of my insults. It might have been the piercing death stare or the fact that Molly1 had sunk her nails about 2” into my right arm, but I was beginning to notice that she was not enjoying the Springer on Wheels episode….at all.
Now Molly2 wants out of the car at the next exit, which I had absolutely no problem with. As she moved into full hyperventilation mode… she began speed dialing her husband over and over like Kelvin Sampson trying to call a recruit (great, now I am going to have to fist fight him when I get back).
Finally I had to pull over…which would make it the 12th stop of the trip, but first without someone having to go “wee-wee”…although Molly may have wet her pants at some point during our “dialog”.
In between Molly2's air gasping requests to be dropped off somewhere, I asked her to calm down. I explained to her that Guthrie did not have an airport, she really didn’t seem a Greyhound Bus type babe, and unless she wanted to spend some extended quality time with the good folks at the upcoming Circle K…hanging with us was her best option
…and then just like that, it was over….like it never happened….In a thirty second span she went from being Linda Blair to talking about what she wore to Beta Barn Dance in 1986.
Feeling lucky, like a surfer who had just survived a shark attack, I didn’t say another word the next 58.6 miles….But eventually most attacked surfers brave the waters again, because surfing is what they do…Sunday, we will all have to drive back to KC…will I keep my mouth shut?......................Surfs Up
Molly2...I hope you are still not mad at me....had a good time, well, for most of the time anyway....thanks for all the good material. :)
Just the Opinion of One Mildly Interested Guy
The Overweight Armchair Sooner
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
